Midnight Thoughts (Poetry)

A lost love

This is something different and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

"Please...don't leave me" he tries to say between his sobs.

"Don't make it harder than it already is" I say while avoiding his eyes by looking outside the window. The sun is shining bright and the sky is pretty, it seems like every other day even though it isn't.

"I just don't love you anymore, I can't control my feelings and I certainly cannot force or pretend to love you. Neither you nor I deserve that. I don't want you or me to be caught up in misery, you are after all a person I used to love so dearly. I truly never intended to hurt you in any way." I say while for the first time, I make eye contact with him. "I am sorry but I have to go." His big brown eyes are all red and teary, and his face is covered in tears and mucus other than just his cute brown freckles, it is a beautiful heartbreaking sight but I don't cave.

"Why?" He mumbles, his eyes searching mine so desperately. "Why can't you love me back anymore?" He says trying to keep a steady voice."You are everything to me, I can't live without you. Don't let me go"

"There was life before me, there will still be after. You were able to live without me once upon a time, I am nothing more than just a person. You will get over this" I say calmly while I walk towards the door. I feel his stare on me burning down the strong cover that I am trying to maintain so hard.

"But now that I was able to have a taste of how life is with you, I can't go back to living without you. GODDAMMIT I WAS JUST SURVIVING, LIFE WOULD STILL BE A STRANGER TO ME IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU" He gets up from the couch and makes some steps towards me while I do the opposite.

"Try to understand, please. It's not easy for me either. You mean a lot to me" I say honestly, he really was the love of my life.

"And so do you to me, don't leave, we can work this out, please" He begs me. "Do you want me to get on my knees and beg you to stay? 'Cause I will. Don't throw us away like that" We were great together indeed but I am doing this for both of us.

"You don't understand, I want to but this has nothing to do with you, I just stopped being in love with you. Why can't you just understand that?" I say as I unlock the door.

"It's okay." He says while wiping his tears away."I do understand. You can leave. I don't want to be the reason you are unhappy." He runs his hand through his hair and continues. "Go. I sincerely hope you find happiness and if you ever need a person, you know where to find me. I love you, I always will keep that in mind."

I open the door and get out without looking back barely holding back my own tears. I keep walking wishing I looked back to catch one last glance at him or tell him that the life we had together is more than enough to make the sharp knife of a short life not that scary anymore.

"I will always love you too, wherever I am" I whisper once I get into my car. I drive everywhere and anywhere for a while, trying to gather up my thoughts and emotions. I had to do it, I kept trying to convince myself but it didn't seem to work. I finally let go and allowed my body to drive me wherever it is, it wants to be.

I collect myself and get out of the car, following the now too-familiar path. Once my feet finally reached the destination my soul was aching to be, and tears were filling up my eyes again.

"Why? Why did you leave? Why did you leave me?" I sob hard, my soul crying out itself.

"I can't do this without you. This is not how it was supposed to end. For fucks sake I need you. I fucking need you. I tried to make it on my own, I really did. But I can't. What's the meaning of life if I can't live it with you?" I say to him while reaching into my pocket.

"What am I supposed to do? How can I ever get over this? How? I can't. I can't continue living like this. It's tearing me apart. You tore me apart when you left me, all alone to face this world by myself. Why didn't you stay? I love you, please come back. I am begging you please." My voice breaks off at the end but I continue, I have to.

"I need everything to stop, I need you to come back to me. To be here. I know this is irrational but I can't help it and if there is any chance I can still be with you I will take it." I say while I take the pills out of my pocket.

"I love you and I want you to forgive me for doing this. I can't take it anymore. The world was nothing but a stranger to me too until you came along and showed me the beauty of it. Took me out of the dark with your light. And I don't want to live in a dark strange world again. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be here without you." I wipe off my tears and push the pills in my mouth.

Once I swallow all of them, I take one last glance around me, taking in my surroundings. What a beautiful day it was indeed. I look at the shining sun among the clouds, what a pretty sky it was and then I look around me. All these people, these beautiful people that once were but now they are not. I wonder how that feels but I guess I will know soon. I smile before I turn my head towards him. I want the last thing I will ever see to be him. Even though all that I have of him now, it's his grave. I stare at his picture, his beautiful radiant smile, my favorite thing in this stupid world.

"My heart always belongs to you. I love you."

I've been experimenting with different styles of writing. I hope you like this one, even if it's a bit long and different. I find that I write better when I am feeling more pessimistic dark emotions rather than happier ones. I hope you can feel the emotions through the screen. Looking forward to your feedback.

Yours always,
Amalia