Midnight Thoughts (Poetry)

Mourning a living friendship

A raw reflection on betrayal by my very own "best friend".
Enjoy my journey of anguish, disillusionment and regret after losing my best friend, through this piece.

I would have never done this to you.
Never.
It's as if I was a Netflix series
That you binged when you were bored,
Just watching apathetically
While I gave the best performance of my life
Only to end up being the background noise
While you did chores.
I gave and I gave
and I poured and I poured my soul
for the sake of this so called goddamn forsaken friendship.
All for what?
To get this in return?
To be used and tossed away?
What am I? A fucking toy you got bored of?
To be treated like a fucking stranger?
Worse even.
People treat dirt on their shoe sole better.
We were best friends,
Or so I thought.
How the fuck could you treat me like this?
How could you betray me like this?
What kind of friend does that?
I never wanted to not know you,
But here we are.
I can't even say a hi.
How did I misjudge you so much?
Why did I not see it coming?
I feel so dumb
And even dumber for missing what we had regardless of what went down.
Sometimes I wonder if there's another version of this world where we are friends.
And other times, I am jealous of the people who have never met you.
Crossing paths with you makes me wish I knew of different routes,
because I am certain any one but this would fritter away less time.
I should have never dissipate my time on you,
Nor any of my energy, dispensed my resources to you,
Or allowed you to even exploit my family
And disrespect my culture,
Or shared any pieces of myself with you.
Writers can only imagine such a poor character like you
I stood by you through so fucking much.
Fuck that.
You knew how soft and kind I am, despite my hard exterior.
A fucking pushover and people pleaser.
I let my guard down.
You took advantage of that.
You truly fucked me up,
And my perception of friendship.
How can I ever trust another person to be so close to me?
No, we weren't friends.
You were a poor candidate for friendship.
I wasted my time on you.
The only fucking reason you were hanging out with me was circumstance.
It was to benefit you.
As long as I had something to give you,
You kept the friendship alive.
But as soon as you took all you could have,
Drained me
Like a river drains into a lake,
You left me dry.
You backstabbing jerk.
And don't you fucking dare to turn this on me.
Don't twist my words.
Don't fucking dare to misshape your memories
To make yourself the victim,
To blame me so you fucking feel better.
You made your bed,
So you better sleep in it.
You invariably know who to blame,
But it never seems to be you.
Do you ever get tired of the victim narrative?
I admire how you care for your ego, though.
I treat my fragile things the same way.
It reminds me of how I accommodated your wants
To keep your frail relationship alive.
You have always been the fucking problem.
How many friends did you lose after all?
The problem has repeatedly pointed back to you.
Life has yet to season you,
You immature fuck.
True friends stab you in the front,
Not you though.
I guess someone has to lower the bar in society.
You are truly molded on the inside.
You have truly become someone I don't recognize.
A shallow shadow
Of what used to be someone I called best friend.
The ghost
Of a person I once knew.
An empty bullet casing
Of a bullet
That left me wounded
And bleeding
And slowly turned me cold.
Was I truly so blind sided?
Or did you devolve into this?
Losing a good friend is never easy,
but fuck did you have to make it harder than it already was.
You really did a number on me,
Especially when I don't understand why you did what you did.
I would have never done that to you.
I would have never treated you in such a way.
I guess that's the difference between us.
I had your back.
You just never had mine.
It's hard to accept and come to terms with it.
It just felt so real.
But these are paper made memories
You deemed unworthy of recycle.
Instead, you burned them,
And I stood there
Inhaling the fumes.
When did it become fake to you?
Was it always fake?
Or did she teach you how to use deep fake?
Was it just to serve your purpose?
I can't forgive you.
When we share the same air,
Your pollution fills my lungs.
My once warm, gullible, summery heart
Has turned cold and hard.
Maybe I was always meant to be a child of winter.
I am not a grassy meadow for you to step all over me,
Just like she does to you.
I won't allow that anymore.
But I guess I am more mature than you
Because after all this time,
I think our friendship deserved better,
At least to have the ability 
To be decent human beings to one another.
You can't even do that.
How much of a let down are you?
How big of a fucking disappointment.
I guess you have always been one.
I just never saw you for what you truly were.
A grown ass man
Acting like a child.
So I stay reminiscing the bittersweet ruins of our once "good friendship".

Thank you for reading. I appreciate any feedback and would be grateful for your opinions.
Amalia G.