Forelsket

11: Lunch with Chaen

Sakura's POV:

It's been 20 minutes of pure silence from Chaen ever since I told her that we needed to go back to the company and practice and that this is my problem and not anyone else's problem. She grew more silent, I feel the tension permeating between us, I began to eat my croissant she bought, so she read my online profile? She knew that I'm not allergic to anything and even knew I liked croissants than anything else? Not everyone knew I liked croissants, it was an obscure information from me, which I mentioned in passing at an interview, but the way I said it was kind of in a soft and low voice, very unintelligible. I was impressed by her knowledge of who I am, that it's almost scary to me, because I was a former J-Idol, I didn't have any sense of privacy or anything to myself. Fans know everything about me, from my favorites to my TMI things.

My fans also knew I was a loner back when I was starting for AKB48, only when I got transferred to HKT48 did I meet Anna and Jurina. They were the first friends I made, having had a concurrent position for AKB48 and HKT48, the Annual Senbatsu Rankings also made me popular and was since then tagged as Kami7 member or God7 Member amongst fans. Jurina was a First Generation HKT48 Member where I was only a Second Generation HKT48 Member. But we joined the 48 Group at exactly the same time. She was assigned to HKT48 and I was at AKB48. But Jurina wasn't a consistent member, she was twice demoted to HKT48's Team H, which meant that her appearances are limited.

My demotion was only once, when I was transferred to HKT48's KIV, but quickly regained popularity when I became Vice Captain of KIV. J-Idols had such troubles at a young age, the Annual Senbatsu didn't at all help, because we had to keep our images as J-Idols. Japan's Publicity and Trends are very different from K-Idols, because in Japan, we are voted for the positions we get, as Center of a song, you had to be nice and pleasing to the eyes of the Fans and Producers. Being voted as a Center meant all the pressure falls on you. Unlike in the Korean Entertainment industry, where you had to be beautiful, nice and appreciative of your fans and talented. In Korean Standards every member could Center a song and even own the Era.

My fans knew that I'd rather stay at home and finish a computer game than be out with friends. Which was why I honestly enjoyed the first year of my J-Idol life, often going to museums and aquariums if not playing on my computer or console gaming. I've since had to give these up, because of my busy J-Idol life, but I'm planning to build another gaming rig here in Korea since I'm going to stay here for a while. But going back to the topic of me declining Chaen's offer to have me see a psychologist, I really didn't want to decline her offer, but I already saw a psychologist prior to me moving to Korea.

Let's just say that the psychologist who I had two sessions with wasn't helpful, instead of helping me, I was put down and the therapist didn't believe when I told her that I was a victim of abuse from two closest friends, she made me feel like I was in the wrong to begin with, it was my fault for trusting Jurina and Anna. Like everything I learned growing up in an exclusive and private school, was wrong. Like my personality deserved to be used and abused. This made me hesitate in getting professional help, because although I needed the help in sorting my feelings and the realities that happened, I didn't appreciate the looks I got from the therapist, her eyes told me that I deserved what I got.

Being a Blood Type A, I didn't want to sue Jurina and Anna, I also didn't want to cause trouble for the therapist I first saw, so after two sessions, I decided not to see her again. I've just powered through the past 5 months on my own, alone and helpless. Even with Tomi and Nako being my constant companions, I chose to keep everything under wraps, I quit AKB48 and the norm is to have a graduation concert before leaving the group, but I told the CEO and Main Producer of AKB48 that I didn't want a graduation concert, that I wish to just leave my J-Idol life and start over in Korea. He must've really liked me, because he agreed to me quitting AKB48, HKT48 and KIV without a graduation concert.