Ineffable Husbands Oneshots

Roomba Learns to Climb

Fuck hid under the demon's desk, waiting patiently. Crowley had just narrowly escaped the blades of the Roomba. He knew that it would only be a matter of time. He would get that demon if it was the last thing he'd do.

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Crowley had called for backup, but Aziraphale decided that it was not worth his time. He had regretted attaching blades to his electronic pet, heaven, he regretted buying that thing.

He was stuck to the ceiling. He thanked every entity he knew of that Fuck could not climb the walls. Crowley had supplies ready to do just that, he just ended up putting the knives on first.

He didn't know why the blessed thing decided to target him. He didn't do anything to it. He could've stripped it, or threw it out. He was a good father, wasn't he?

Crowley held his breath, listening for the robot to come find him. He lost track of it and he sure as heck wasn't going to go down now.

'Okay, you've got this. Be a demon, Crowley!' He took a deep breath and slowly climbed down the wall. Inch by inch, he felt his heart beat faster.

He was almost to the ground when Fuck came speeding out, taking out a chunk of the desk it was under. Crowley screeched and flew back up the wall. The Roomba kept smashing into the place where Crowley's ankle had been just moments before. Pieces of wall were being flown everywhere. Fuck wasn't playing anymore. It finally got a good hold in the wall and, somehow turning sideways, was able to use the knives to climb up towards the demon.

Crowley sped crawled away, his throat stinging from the strangled scream he unleashed.

It seemed that fortune was on his side, as Fuck ran out of battery. The robot's knife slowly unstuck from the wall and the roomba collapsed to the floor, shattering.

Crowley let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and fell flat on his face as he unstuck himself from the middle of the ceiling.

After miracle-ing his face healed, he slowly crept toward the bits and pieces of his once beloved son. Falling to his knees, he picked up some of the pieces and let out a few tears.

He stood up, cries turning into maniacal laughter, dancing on the roomba's remains. He danced for two whole days, smashing it to microscopic bits. He even invited Aziraphale over to celebrate. The angel declined, as he had better things to do with his time. He congratulated Crowley's win and promptly hung up, done with the demon for the next millennia.

Wow. This took so much longer than I wanted it to. We just got back motivation for writing. It's a bit rushed, but I really wanted to get something out (watch it take another year for the next chapter 🥲😅). This is the end of Fuck, RIP. (Or is it?)