Veda

January 6th,

I hate being 14, I can't do anything. I can't drive, I can't see my friends, and I can't get a job. All I can do is focus on school. No one understands how hard it is, just saying they're proud of me.
It's just the way they say it, I'm all for someone being proud of me, but they just try to shrug everything off. Never really listening to what I have to say.

Sometimes I get excited about a birthday or Halloween and try to plan some extravagant party, but like always it gets fucking ruined.
Like literally I spend weeks working for chore money to buy everything, just for the day to end terribly! I can't win, I can't do anything right. I try to prove to myself I'm not bound with bad luck, but what the fuck!

Not only to mention that I seem to be the only optimistic one in the house. Everyone always seems so pessimistic, complaining and crying about the smallest issues.

Every time I try it gets overlooked, then someone proceeds to tell me I can only provide "half", half-clean, half-done, half-anything. Who are they to say my effort is halfway when it took everything just to crawl out of my bed.

I can't do anything to numb the pain anymore, I use to try to let it all out, but not even that works anymore. I don't think I'm odd, but I do think the rest of the world is though. I just can't keep up with all the nonsense trends, labels, and constant judgment.

I just wanna fast forward or rewind. I either wanna speed up to where I'm successful, or go back to where everything was perfect.

I was handed happiness on a silver platter, but I just threw it in the trash. I can't go back and fix it, I literally just have to force my mind onto something else. There's no going back.

I don't know if I should try or give up, sometimes I'm so confident in myself, but then again who do I have to impress? When I do try... it's not right, so what's the point? It's not like I can do anything. I'm 14. I just feel like excess space, Like a person with no place. A story that didn't seem to matter, somehow not fitting up to your sense of standards.

I'm a Veda, so that means I can tell the future. Which makes me super anxious when dating someone. It's like, I can see the future, I know it's gonna be ruined, and I still try to change my fate. Like always I lose, but this last time I lost big time.

I could have had it all, but I messed everything up. Everything seems so grey and plain. I can just depend on the future at this point. I can just depend on myself to do right from now on. I was gonna do it one day, and we all will be happy.

I looked into the mirror and twisted up one of my curls, then felt my bare chin. I don't look bad, I actually look good. For the longest time, I would feel insecure about how I would look, but I don't look bad. In my opinion, I had the perfect shade of Carmel skin.

Something within me though, that's what I'm actually fighting. I mess up so much, I get so much anxiety about what else I'm gonna do. I don't see how things could possibly get any worse.

I grabbed a sketchbook from the back of my closet, then closed my eyes. That's the best way I could see my demons, after I looked her in the face, I drew another picture of her. Her face was always darkened in, but her hair was straight and thin. The strands of pure white hair was the only thing she showed me of her true form, the rest unknown.

I saw her when I was highly paranoid, or super depressed. I know I have to change it somehow, but where do I even start. I've just changed, from the kind-hearted fun-loving soul I once was. I'm not quite the one who would give their last anything away anymore to help another. Not really the type to wear my heart on my sleeve, or engage in any conversations, just the person who observes everything.