Veda

Relateable

April 29th,

Alana came over to drop off the charger i left at her house on the 11th, but while she sat on my couch i got her a cup of coffee. I always loved the smell while it brewed, it was strong but so pleasing. So nutty, caramelly, but at the same time bitter scented too. 

"Milk? I've got sugar too," I asked Alana. 

"Yes! That's always a must, put some ice in it too please," Alana exclaimed leaning back deeper into the rustic couch.

For the first time, I finally revealed how I felt about Ell, I just started pouring my heart out to Alana, but it was so easy. She didn't mind, nor did she judge me. She listened just how I listen to my patients, and I finally understood my own process. Sometimes all you needed was a shoulder to cry on, it's too much weight to try to conceal. 

I let her know about my concerns surrounding her boyfriend, and how I thought I wish I never knew what I knew.  I told her I loved the child but knowing of its existence burnt my soul to ash. Meaningless dust of past feelings I had for her, well have for her. It's like i finally felt the relief from not being judged so fast, my brother was always too quick to assume.

"When I was younger I had this idea of what my first boyfriend would look like, to most people it's an unrealistic famous person they idolize, but for me it was him. As soon as i seen him sitting in my fifth period class it's like he met up to all the things I imagined, he was exactly my type," Alana began trying to make me feel better," He went to school then had to go back to this detention center, but in between, he was allowed to go to the gym where he would email me. Yeah, email not text. This was our only form of communication, since they let him see his family on the weekends I wouldn't really see him anytime outside of school."

"Wow, how long did this last though? That's a bit much to put up with Alana," I replied. 

"We talked for like 3 months until he disappeared, someone in my math class said he went to jail, but a girl in my gym class broke the news telling me he got a girl pregnant and he ran away from the detention center to have the baby, then they would lock him up for running away," She continued sitting up slightly from her relaxed position," Sure enough I found the girls social media, and I seen the kid. So the next time I seen him, I broke it off trying to keep respect for myself."

I walked into the front room from the kitchen, sat the chilled coffee on the table, then sat in a chair off to the side. She quickly took a sip then sighed,"Then like usual, I fell back into the trap. This is my dream guy after all, so my heart just decided to beat a little differently for him. I wouldn't say it was easy to love him, I had to adapt to his lifestyle. Basically meaning, i had to lie too. For him, to everyone, whatever he wanted."

"How? I couldn't imagine that I mean we weren't together at all so," I responded. 

"I told myself not to get too close, and somehow I was able to keep control over my feeling to an extent. I could control how I appeared to feel, but inside was another situation. When he got released from the detention center he went back to his regular school, it was easy for me to move on too honestly. I guess that's how pain works with me," Alana mumbled.

I could see that she felt uncomfortable, but this I knew all too well. I went deeper into the story of Giselle and me for a moment then asked, "So how does your story end?"

She took another drink from her coffee cup, then exhaled, "His girlfriend ended up finding out after the fact, and then his whole family texted me about the drama. Which led to me being close to them, until I was sick of him. Or so I thought, because I ended up meeting his kid, the mom, with him next to me, and a new girlfriend too. Everything came flooding back, so I had to get rid of all the friendships, all my ties, and walk away."

"So what do I do? At this point, it feels like I shouldn't fight it," I swallowed. 

That's, when I saw Capri in the doorway, with his mouth, hung wide open. He heard it all, and if he didn't, he sure heard enough. Great, the secrets are out now. He knew it all, and he was just about to get so annoying trying to watch my every move. When I had issues, Capri gave me no space! This entire week was going to be an obstacle in itself now I have his judgment too.