The Way Things Change

Chapter 14

We slept for about two hours. I guess. I really needed to get a clock or a phone or something. It was late in the afternoon. I could see the sun hanging low through the window. I felt 20 pounds lighter than this morning. The weight, that had been on my shoulders for far too long, was finally lifted. I felt relaxed. And still very emotional. And REALLY dirty. I needed to shower.

I tiptoed into the bathroom, trying not to wake the other girls. Damn, I forgot to take clean clothes with me. I slowly walked back into the room, making my way to the closet. I could hear one of the girls shifting in the bed. I froze to the spot, holding my breath. When I was sure they were all still asleep I went on going trough my bags. I took some clean underwear, sweatpants and a normal t-shirt. I went into the bathroom again, closing the door slowly.

I turned on the light and captured my reflection in the mirror. I stopped my movement and went closer to the mirror. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I looked like a ghost. My eyes were red and puffy from the crying. My cheeks were hollow and I had big bags under my eyes. My hair was really greasy. I took it out of the messy bun and started brushing it. What the hell? Big chunks of hair were falling out. “NO!” I yelled and regretted it immediately. Now I had probably woken the girls up. But my hair!? My lovely hair… It was all too much.

I started sobbing again. I was an emotional mess. Everything went through me. Telling the girls, the humiliation when Zayn and Niall saw me, the hurtful words, the relief, everything. My legs felt weak. I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. I fell to the floor. I just lay there in a puddle, sobbing. I felt two arms grabbing me, getting me to a sitting position. Then I was taken into a tight embrace.

“Hey! Don’t worry, everything is going to be alright. We are here for you.” I heard Danielle’s sweet words and soft voice, trying to comfort me. “I can’t… I can’t take it right now. My head feels like it is going to explode” I said through my sobs. She pulled away from me, taking my head in her hands. She looked me straight in the eyes. “Come on, I’m going to help you get cleaned up.”

She turned on the water, letting it run to get the right temperature. She helped me get undressed and put me into the bathtub. Tears were still running down my face, but I got control over my breathing. Danielle started washing me softly like I was a little kid. She let the water run over my hair. I closed my eyes, giving in to this rather humiliating bath. I felt so helpless. But it also felt nice. She was helping me, and she wasn’t disgusted by me. She was being a good friend, helping me when I needed it the most. She gave me the bottle with facial wash, so I could clean my face, while she washed my hair. When I was clean, she handed me the towel to cover myself up, before I got up. She wrapped a towel around my hair. “I’ll leave you to get dressed, but I’ll be back in 5 minutes, okay?” She said before leaving the room.

I dried myself off and put on my underwear. I went to look at my reflection again, this time also taking my body into account. I looked weak. I was really skinny now. I had always been curvy, but slim, because of my constant training. After 4 weeks of not eating and not exercising I looked really skinny. Frankly it was really scary. I didn’t like how I looked, but then again, I never did. My ribs were more visible than ever and my hipbone was sticking out. I figured I should weigh myself to see the damage. I never cared how much I weighed, because I knew muscles weighed more than fat, but I had been the same weight for ages, so I would see how far from it I was. I stepped up. I couldn’t believe it. I had lost 22 pounds. That was insane. That was not healthy. No wonder I was feeling this weak.

I was still standing on the scale when Danielle walked in. She looked at me concerned. “You really need to gain some weigh, girlie!” she said in a motherly tone. I laughed slightly. “I know.” I replied. Now thinking about it my stomach started to growl. “I’m really hungry. Do you think there is anything edible in the kitchen?” I asked Danielle. She smiled at me. “We could all go down in a minute to take a look?” she suggested. I nodded, suddenly becoming aware that I was standing only in my underwear.

“The other girls are awake too.” Danielle said when I had put on my cosy clothes. They were hanging loosely around my body. I kept pulling up my pants, so they wouldn’t fall off my hips.

We went into the bedroom again, Eleanor and Perrie in conversation on the bed. They looked up at us when we approached. Danielle had brought my brush. “Sit down here, then we are gonna do something for you” Eleanor said, pulling me into a chair. Danielle started brushing my hair, Perrie started putting applying a bit of makeup on my face and Eleanor painted my nails a bright pink colour. “You really shouldn’t be doing this” I started. “But we want to” Perrie smiled.

“But I really don’t want you to treat me any differently, just because you now my story” I said. “I don’t like to be the weak one. And I’m really sorry to ruin your perfect girly day.”

“You really don’t need to be sorry about that. We were supposed to get to know each other and we did. I think I speak for all of us, when I say I’m really glad you did tell us” Eleanor said, looking at the other girls. They nodded. “Look, you might not know that much about friendships, but this is what you normally do. If someone is feeling sad, you try to cheer them up. And now you are still fragile. We are not going to treat you any differently when you are fully recovered and strong again, but right now you should just let yourself recover and let yourself be weak for a bit.” Eleanor continued.

“I agree” Perrie said. “We are here for you, and everybody needs help once in a while. There is no shame in that. Oh why do I even bother!” She said putting down the makeup. I was crying again, ruining her perfectly applied makeup. I couldn’t help but laugh at her annoyed outburst. She gave me a tissue to wipe the away the tears and the makeup.

“Thank you. Really. For everything. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here.” I said looking at each girl, keeping eye contact with them for a second, to show them I meant it.

Eleanor looked at me with pain in her eyes. “You do realize we have to tell the boys, right? They heard your outburst earlier, and they are really worried about you. They want to get to know you too.”

“I can’t tell it again. I just can’t. It was difficult enough to tell it to you. But I guess you are right. They have been really nice to me even though I have been a bitch to them.” I replied with a sigh. I was really exhausted. But in a good way. An empty way. From now on things could only get better.

“Don’t worry. We’ll tell them if you want us to, but you have to be there.” Danielle said. It was going to be weird, hearing your own life story told by other people. But I guess she was right. She had been right so far. “Okay. But first I really want something to eat.” They laughed. Danielle put my hair into a ponytail and we were ready to go face the boys.

We went down the stairs, going into the kitchen. Eleanor didn’t leave my side. She was holding me by the hand, giving it a gentle squeeze now and then. Perrie and Danielle were walking in front of us, talking quietly together. I hadn’t seen the boys yet. My stomach grumbled again. “What do you want to eat?” Eleanor asked me. I shrugged. “Anything really. Just as long as it is warm. I’m freezing”.

“I’ll run up and grab you a sweater” she said letting go of my hand. I quickly grabbed her arm to stop her. I pulled her into a hug. “Thank you” I whispered in her ear. I could feel a smile against my shoulder. “You’re welcome, gorgeous.”

“Do you want Irish stew?” Perrie asked me looking into the fridge. “That would be absolutely lovely.” I loved Irish stew. It was the perfect comfort food.

Eleanor came back with a sweater. “Here you go.” It wasn’t one of my sweaters. This one was bigger. But I didn’t care. It was warm. It felt perfect. This felt perfect