Left or Right

Chapter 19

Riley's POV:

I don't know how but someway or another mine and James's kiss led to a make-out in the back seats of his car which soon led to us deciding to go back to his and now it was six o'clock in the evening, the two of us cuddled up under the duvet in his room. My head rested on his bare chest whilst I traced his abs but he had his arm around me, still with my hoody on. Our make-out hadn't led to us going that far, let's be real.
"You've got to join dance, babe," James whispers to me, pecking the top of my head. "What have you got to loose?"
"I don't know, maybe my last straw?" I respond, looking up at him. "Going back to dance . . . it just isn't an option for me right now," I tell him. There was more reasoning to it than that but there would be no point in trying to explain to him if he just won't get it. "Look, I'll think about it, okay," I say, pausing my movements on his upper body as I look up at him. "Just give me some time."
"Okay. Alright," he says with his gentle grin-like smile before he pecks my lips softly.

Just in that moment, there's a loud car movement from outside. No one was home apart from James and I right now as Deborah's meeting had overrun and Tom was stuck in traffic after picking Piper up from her dance studio in the city. As soon as we hear the car pulling up out front, I jump out of James's arms and sit up, causing him to do the same.
"James, put a fucking top on," I tell him, laughing as I reach onto the ground to grab it for him. Rolling his eyes, he chuckles too as I help him to pull it over the top of his head and then I sort my hair out, combing my fingers through it.

"What are we doing about this then, Ri?" he asks as I stand up, arranging my clothes and the bedsheets to make it look like we hadn't just been making-out all over it. "Our relationship, I mean."
"James, I want this. I really do, but we can't let your parents or anyone for that matter, find out about us. If your mom knows, she'll tell my mom and I'll only be taken away from you again. So if we're gonna do this, it has to be secret," I tell him.
"Okay. I want this too," he tells me. I smile and lean down to kiss him again but as I do, he doesn't break our touch but instead places his hands on my waist, pulling me down so that I hovered on top of him, making me laugh.
"Jamesss," I moan against his lips. He finally stops kissing me and I chuckle as my head falls to resting just below his chin as he cuddles me.
"I'll meet you in your room in five," he whispers and I nod my head, departing his touch and hurrying out of his room at the same time as I hear the sound of the front door unlocking.

A couple of moments after I had made myself seem all comfortable and cosy in the guest room and turned the flat screen tv on whilst pretending to read a book, the expected knock on the door alerted me and I hummed in response to let Deborah know she could enter.
"Hey, honey, how's it going?" she asks, closing the door behind her and taking a seat down on the edge of the bed. I sit myself up properly and close my book.
"I'm okay. Things are good. I went with James to the studio earlier."
"Ah, okay." She says nothing else but continues to stare at me with judicious eyes. I could take a wild guess and say there was something she needed to tell me, she just didn't know how to.

"Um, is there something you want us to talk about, Deborah?" I ask her, making her clear her throat and look down towards the ground.
"No, no, I'm just thinking, that's all," she says. I raise an eyebrow, continuing to look at her confusedly and so she sighs and takes my hands into hers. "Riley, you're still under the age of seventeen, love. You should still be living under the rules and conditions of your parents, at least until you're eighteen, then you can decide to do whatever you want for your life-"
"Okay, but I ran away for a reason," I tell her. Out of everyone, I thought she would be the most accepting. She can't turn me away now. Not after three weeks of being here. "Deborah, I need to be here. You can't send me back there-"
"But that's not my decision, Riley, it's Alison's-"
"And it's my life," I tell her, on the verge of tears. "Why should a mother who only cares about her job get to choose where I stay? She doesn't care about what happens to me. She doesn't know anything."
"Riley," Deborah says again, clearly trying to stop my rant but there's only one person who can do that successfully, and he does when he opens the bedroom door and looks between myself and his mother repeatedly.

"What's going on?" James asks. He steps inside and sits down on the bed beside me, placing his hand on my thigh - a bit too high up to make his movement seem casual, which is why I place my hand on top of his and travel his palm downwards so that it rested just above my knee.
"Nothing," I whisper after making eye-contact with Deborah. Getting James involve would only complicate things further. "It's all good," I lie. Lying and keeping secrets seems to have become a habit of mine in only a minimal period of time. "I'm tired. I think I'll get some rest," I mumble, letting go of James's hand and moving along the bed before laying down sideways and facing the direction of the wall where the mirror was.
"Okay, darling," Deborah whispers softly. "I'll go and get started on the cooking. I'm making macaroni. It should be ready in about half an hour or so," she tells me. I nod my head a little but don't say anything. I watch her through the mirror as she rubs James's arm and strokes her hand through his hair before she walks out of the room and James shortly stands up, about to follow after her. 

"James," I whisper into the darkness. He turns around and looks at my reflection in the glass as I bite my lip. "Stay?" I ask him.
He smiles, closing the door shut and then getting down on top of the bed too. He makes his way towards me, laying down sideways too and then wrapping his arms around my waist, his pelvic bone pressed against my hips so that he was spooning me and then he places a light kiss to my neck.
"I'm right here," he tells me and I nod. But turning around in his arms, I place both my hands made fists on his chest and I lick my lip briefly.
"Where were you before though?" I ask. It seems I'm happy one minute, depressed the next. I don't even understand these feelings myself so I doubt James will be able to. He sighs and rubs my back, not really able to do anything else.
"You should get some sleep, Riles," he tells me, ignoring my question. "I can tell you're exhausted."

And that was it. Am I really that pathetic that he can't even answer my simple question? Am I that pathetic my basic mother in law is sending me back to my ignorant parents? Am I that pathetic I'm only just beginning to see what Nate meant all those times he would call me it?
I'm so sad I'm actually allowing Nate's words to get to me. 
The worst part is I can't even talk to James about it without making myself seem, what's the word? Oh yeah, pathetic.
Does James even deserve me right now? All I am at the moment is a cloud. A large, black, puffed-up cloud floating in the air and holding back showers of tears. All I'll end up doing in the end is bringing James down with me.
Sure, I've missed his lips. I've missed his touch, his taste, him as a whole. He's missed me too. But are we that desperate to be together that I'm granting him with all my vulnerability? I think not.

"You can back out of this relationship if you want," I whisper to him, my arms wrapped around his torso. He clicks his tongue and I feel him shake his head as his chin brushes my hair.
"Why on earth would I want to do that?" he responds.

He really has no idea about the damage I've been through. And that's why I can't tell him. He'll see me differently. I won't be his anymore. He'll only see me as Nate's.