Left or Right

Chapter 32

TW: sensitive topic, read with caution

.James.

For the first night of Internationals after we had all been separated into our dorm rooms and handed our keys was to be spent partying and letting loose, allowing the excitement to take over us for the next week ahead.

We had arrived in Miami earlier this morning and I was told that I was to be sharing a dorm with Eldon and Harry while West shared with Max and Noah.
The girls had been separated too but I didn't pay attention until Kate had mentioned who Riley was sharing with and it just happened to be Stephanie and Michelle.

I knew Ri wouldn't have been comfortable with that.
Stephanie was fully brutalising her whilst Riley and Michelle had their own friendship getting torn to shreds as of right now.
If anything, Riley would probably have preferred being in the boys dorms than with any of the girls and I'm not saying that just to be funny.

Harry, Eldon and I were in the bedroom getting ready for tonight but honestly, the last thing on my mind was this party.
I was too busy thinking about Riley and everything she was going through.

We had supposedly broken up but it really didn't feel that way. I still had that connection to her, the feeling that she was the other half of me. There was no changing it, no matter how much or how hard we tried to distance ourselves from one another.

I sat on the bed with my phone in hand while I scrolled through my photos with Riley, ones I would never dream of deleting no matter what was to happen to us.
Harry and Eldon were busy getting dressed up, getting changed into jeans and dressy shirts but I couldn't be bothered to do that tonight.

Harry was the same guy who had touched Riley without her consent the other day. He was the one who had made her freak out in the first place as if his actions had reminded her of Nate, but now suddenly she was drifting closer and closer towards him and further away from me and I wasn't sure how to feel about it one bit.

"Lighten up man, today's the last night you get to relax before all the stress for the rest of the week," Eldon says when he makes his way over towards me to pay my shoulder while I sat down on my bed.
I was still in the tracksuit I had worn on the way here because I refused to go anywhere without knowing Riley was okay.

She was my girl and I loved her more than anything... but suddenly I've lost her and everyone seems to think that it's okay when it's not.
Riley's not okay and if she's not alright then I can't possibly be so either.

"I'm not going, Eldon," I scoff, throwing the shirt he was handing me across the room so it landed on the floor instead.
Harry smirks, looking at me from out of the corner of our reflections in the mirror and then I instantly raise my head up to look at him.

"Something funny?" I ask him harshly.
I didn't like him one bit and I didn't trust him to be around Riley whatsoever. There was something about his whole persona that didn't sit right with me but whatever it was, he was doing his best at keeping Riley from noticing it too.

"I just think it's pathetic. Sulking over a girl who you let go of yourself. She's worth so much more but of course you wouldn't see it," he says, and it only causes my bones to tighten as I form fists with my hands.

"You don't know her and what goes on in mine and Riley's relationship is none of your business whatsoever," I spit at him, causing him to smirk back at me still.
"I think you mean to say what went on in your relationship. You're not together anymore."

The more my eyes stayed on him, the more I grew in anger. All I wanted was for people to stop interfering, to let me sort things out myself.
Riley distances herself sometimes but all she needs is to have some time alone to think to herself before she begins to let people in again, namely me. She didn't need to be constantly bombarded by other guys who had an interest in her like Nate and Harry because all it would do is stress her out further.

"I'm not doing this today," I huff, standing up and turning my phone off to stuff it into my pocket. "Have fun at your little party but I'm not going," I tell them both.

Before either of them had the chance of saying anything back to me, I made my way for the door and headed on out, just to get some time to breathe away from everyone else.
Maybe once I've cleared my head, Riley will feel capable of talking to me and we'll be able to get through this phase together.

.Riley.

"Are you sure we should just leave her?" I hear Michelle say from where she and Stephanie were in the bedroom getting ready to head down to the party taking place.
I had locked myself up in the bathroom for almost half an hour now. I'd told them both that I was getting ready, I just needed some privacy but that couldn't have been any more of a lie than the one I had told.

I'd been contemplating going but I couldn't. Going would mean facing everyone, hanging around Stephanie, seeing James, having the girls all crowd together while they spoke about me and I couldn't deal with that right now.

Things had been dragging on for long enough now to the point where everything I wanted to do with myself seemed pointless, like there was no point of continuing.

Everyone hated me, Mom and Dad didn't want me, Emily couldn't have cared less about me right now, Nate had been using me for his own pleasure and as his personal punching bag.
All I was is an object in everyone else's eyes. Even Steph saw me as one when she decided to grab me by the head and cut my hair with the scissors for her own entertainment.

"It's fine," Steph responds so abruptly that I could practically hear the smirk as it appeared on her face. "The girl wants privacy? That's what we'll give her. Let's just go, M. Leave her to it," she says.

"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, let's go. It's like you said. She's not a true friend if she expects you to know what's going on inside her head without talking about it."

That was clearly enough to persuade Michelle as only a few seconds later, I listen to their footsteps drift away before they closed the door shut behind them, leaving me alone with the view of my reflection.
Looking up, my eyes take in the tear-stained blotches around my face while my pupils reddened.

Setting my handbag down on top of the cabinet, I bite my lip as I debate what I was about to do.
I was only wearing a vest and jeans after I had taken off one of the hoodies I'd worn here - one which I only realized on the plane flight that it belonged to James.

I look over my arm where old scars remained, the cuts still there with a sewing over them. They had never fully healed. All it would take is one small slap to trigger it and open the stitches again, but for some reason doing so seemed so appealing right now.

Without second thought, I quickly unzip the zipper of my handbag where I reach deep into it before pulling out the single item I had always kept in there. It was the one thing I carried with me in case of times like these when it seemed like there was no other solution.

I took off the case of the object and placed the plastic aside before biting my lip and closing my eyes as I brought the razor close to the skin of my arm, then from there I allowed my hand to do the rest of the movement.

It stung and it hurt and it made my skin crawl but at the same time there was some kind of sensation in doing so, enough to make me feel almost better.
But I wanted to feel more than just a little better, so I continued, allowing the tears to cascade down my face while the crimson liquid began to slowly drop one droplet at a time into the sink basin.

But I didn't feel like stopping for even a second...