you dumb, sad bitch

5:42am

happy day after christmas.

i had a good christmas. i was gifted all kinds of wonderful things, and am thankful for everything i received. and that alone would be great if i was a materialistic person, but i'm not. so here i am, crying at 5 in the morning when i should be sleeping, because i didn't get to see any of my brothers for christmas. my heart hurts. it feels like i'm grieving someone who isn't dead. i think these feelings would be less intense if i always knew when i would see them again, or if i got to see them frequently, but i don't. i never know if (or when) i'll see them again and it hurts. there's a song i know and one of the lyrics is, "so i'll watch your life in pictures how i used to watch you sleep" and it's all i can hear right now. i remember waking up on christmas morning when i was young and being filled with so much joy. breakfast was made, the tree was filled with presents as santa had made his rounds, but most importantly, my brothers were there. all was right in my world. it didn't matter who got the most gifts or who had the most expensive thing, they were there and i was happy. there were no arguments or fights, no attitudes or negative emotions. i miss that life so much. i miss them so, so much. i used to depend on the holidays to bring us all together, because no matter what i knew we'd all find a way to be there, but that didn't happen this year. i wish i would've cherished those moments more than i did, now it feels like i won't be making any more. i don't know how some people make it after losing a sibling. i don't know what to do with myself. i want to scream and cry and hit a wall, i just have too many emotions to deal with.

i miss them. i really, really do. i miss being young. i hate growing up. i hate moving from hometowns. i hate how it feels like the world is moving on without me, how it feels like everyone is growing up and becoming adults except for me. i hate feeling left behind.