you dumb, sad bitch

3:45am

     song: questions- camila cabello

    i'm sad again. i don't miss my ex, i just miss the way he made me feel. the way the butterflies in my stomach would break loose when he looked at me. how it made me blush harder than anything. he looked at me so lovingly. it felt good. being wrapped up in his arms. sitting in his lap kissing him like there was no tomorrow. it was always so warm with him.
    but now he's gone, and so are those feelings. it's always cold now. it's always lonely.
    i hate thinking about him. i hate it so much, because i know he's not thinking about me too. i just want answers to my questions. that's all i ask. he didn't even tell his own best friend why he left me. it kinda makes me giggle though, cause his friend (B) likes me a lot, and feels bad about the situation. i told him about P and he said, "he better not do you like M did" and i fully fucking agree.
    see the difference between M and P though, M wanted me. at least for a little bit.
    nothing in my life feels real right now. it all seems like some sort of shitty movie. i'm heartbroken, but at the same time i've never felt better about myself. and this whole corona virus situation is freaking me out. the entire state is on official quarantine at the moment. i'm not a very religious person, but the Bible talks about prophecies and it sounds like they're all getting filled one by one and i'm terrified. i'm not ready for the world to end just yet. out of all the times it could've happened, why now? when i'm actually starting to get a grip and finally have things to look forward to and finally feel like i have something to live for, it all gets taken away in an instant. why. why why why. i have so many questions about everything, but it seems clear to me that i'll never get the answers. you think i'd be used to this feeling by now.