you dumb, sad bitch

5:00am

song: heather- conan grey

i miss you
i just saw you last night, i was in your arms 24 hours ago, but i miss you so much.

i wish i could stay in your arms forever and ever. i just want to hold your hand and never let go. i am so in love with you, H.

last night was so beautiful. i got to lay with you for hours and hours, not a single care in the world. you were texting another girl, but it didn't bother me this time. because i was the one with you, not her. i was the one you were holding. i was the one with my head laid in your chest. i was the one you kissed. i was the one you touched. i was her. i was special.

i wish i could know if the nights like those meant anything to you like they do to me. i felt like i was in heaven. like there was no one else around, it was just you and me. alone with each other. i want to know if your chest flutters the way mine does when we hold hands, if your cheeks get hot when i look at you, if you notice how my pupils get 10x the size when we lock eyes. i wonder if you feel how i feel. when i took my hand away and you put it right back, it got me thinking that maybe you want this like i do, but i'm so insecure i don't know how to think.
or do you just want me for sexual pleasure, because you know i'll give it to you because of how i feel. is that it? is that all you want?
it can't be. you don't play with somebody's hair or kiss them on their forehead or let them wrap their arms around you if all you want is pleasure. or at least i don't think. i wish i understood. i wish i could read your mind.

H, i've always been bad at sharing my emotions. i always use the wrong words or say things i don't mean, or i just say nothing at all and let people guess my emotions because i feel like i should be ashamed of my emotions. i'm afraid of affection, yet it's all i want. but i'm willing to try for you, if that's what it takes to learn how you feel.

H, i'd do anything for you. i'd change for you, and that's not something i'd do for anybody else. you know my ways, how i don't catch feelings for anybody, but how my phone is filled up with boys that want me. i'd change that for you. you are all i want. i am so in love with you that it scares me. it scares me how i can't get attached to anybody else, because they're not you. which evidently means i can't get over you the way i've been able to get over boys in the past. it scares me. but i know that your love is all i want.

i know i'm young and that i supposedly "don't know anything about love" (according to most adults, that is) but i know that love is the only word i can find to describe how i feel towards you.

if you don't feel the same, that's okay, i really do forgive you. i want you to be truly happy with someone, even if that someone isn't me.

- S