you dumb, sad bitch

12:26am

slip away- luke hemmings

i'm supposed to be doing school work but here i am. i'm so fucking tired of the life i'm living. so fucking tired of this brain that's in my head. i wish i had things all figured out. i wish i was 17 again. i wish time didn't move so fast. i have so many damn wishes that will never come true.
i think there's something wrong with me, like something more than what i already know is wrong. i feel like my brain just can't keep up with the world around me. like my body just knew it wasn't supposed make it this far in life so my brain has just given up because it doesn't know what else to do.
i'm literally a useless human. what the fuck am i even good at. i'm taking 3 classes and failing all of them. THREE. three fucking classes and i can't even pass them. every time i try to do school work i want to fucking sob because i can't comprehend any of it. my brain won't process it. it's just...words on a screen. i understand them all separately, and some i don't even understand. i had to google 4 of the words my professor used in our writing prompt. english is literally my first and only language, but it's starting to feel like it's not.
i feel so fucking stupid all of the time. i feel like i do nothing right and only do things wrong.
i read through my last few entries and realized they were mostly all about boys. i think i used getting attention from boys to distract myself from the fact that i was really fucking sad. now i have a boyfriend and only get his attention so i'm left with only myself quite often. i don't know how to cope anymore. the only coping mechanism i knew was taken from me and now i feel like i can't function anymore.
i have to remind myself everyday that medication only works when you take it. i saw a post many, many years ago that said something along the lines of, "i was so depressed, that you could put medicine on a table right in front of where i was sitting, and i'd be too exhausted to pick it up." and honestly, that's how i'm beginning to feel. my mind is slipping away.
somebody
anybody,
god,
goddess,
aphrodite,
zeus,
fucking anybody,
help me.