you dumb, sad bitch

3:33am

   song- oh my god by alec benjamin

   god, oh god i've changed so much. what happened to me. why did i change so much. what cause it, so fast yet so slow.
  i was so innocent. so quiet and so sweet. no one had ever said a bad thing about me because of how quiet and sweet i was. now i'm a "whore", and i'm "cringy and annoying." why'd i let my walls down. why did i think that would be a good idea.
  all of the things i do now, is never do a year ago. i'd never lie to my mom about my location or what i'm doing, just to go see a boy that cares for me as much as he cares for the ground he walks on. just to do things with him that i don't even enjoy. he doesn't even turn me on and i know it yet i still meet him in parking lots way passed my curfew just because i like the rush. i crave the adrenaline. i crave feeling touched. i guess, i crave feeling alive.
   feeling "alive." what even is it. to me the only way to describe it is something i only feel when doing something i know i'm not supposed to. doing something out of the ordinary that i know my mother would shun me for. like last weekend, when i lied to her about drinking. how i've lied to her about how many boys i've kissed and what i've let them do to me. about how i even met all of those boys to begin with.
  boys boys boys will be the death of me. they're all i focus on. i don't care about my school, i'm failing anyways. my gpa has dropped so much i'm getting kicked out of a school club that i worked so hard to get into last year. and it doesn't even bother me. i'm letting everything slip out of my grip because all i can worry about is being liked by boys that truly mean absolutely nothing to me. yet i crave their attention.
  i hung out with Q last weekend, which i thought would make me feel better but it honestly didn't. all he wanted was he*d, which i didn't give him. his begging for it, his sitting between my legs and giving me the best puppy dog eyes he could muster up, saying "pleaseeeee" in a high-pitch voice just made me want to punch him in the throat. his yearning for me to hold him or kiss him, that's all it took to make me realize i didn't actually want him, that i simply wanted the affection he gave. i knew deep down that's all it was, but that one time hangout is all it took to assure me of those feelings. i guess i just want boys that don't want me back. which brings me to another boy, we'll call him P.
  P is everything I have ever searched for in a boy. he truly is the most beautiful boy i have ever laid my eyes on. he's the breathing definition of my type, honestly. he's got a mix of light and dark brown hair, the most beautiful hazel eyes you could ever see. i get lost in them everytime. his smile takes my breath away. his straight, bright teeth pull it all together. he's taller than me, but not by too much. his personality matches mine, and my families. he's perfect for me, down to the truck he drives. he's the only boy i get defensive over, i even made one of my best friends block him because of how insecure it made me feel that she was messaging him. but the thing about P, he doesn't want me back. he's called me beautiful from time to time, but that can only distract me from such a harsh reality for so long. i've (drunkenly) told him how much i like him a few too many times. maybe he just brushes it off since he knows i said it while drunk? or maybe he doesn't want me like i want him.
   maybe one day i'll be good enough for him. just maybe.