you dumb, sad bitch

12:14pm

song: just for a moment by olivia rodrigo

i met a guy, and it's really great because i like him a lot. he makes my chest feel weird but in a good way yknow. which is something i haven't really felt for somebody in nearly a year, since my exboyfriend broke up with me. i've been completely numb since then, but maybe that's changed.
we kissed. i was his first kiss. it was at night, we were at the park where we met and we were in the playset that has slides and stuff attached to it. he held me so close and made the cold air feel warm. like i couldn't even feel the wind. he was nervous, i could tell. he even called himself a pussy which made me laugh. but he kissed me and i felt like i could've melted in his hands. it was like a scene from some shitty rom-com.
i saw him yesterday and today. yesterday we aimlessly walked around walmart for almost three hours, but i promise it was a lot more fun than it sounds. just small town things. today he came to my schools basketball game and we sat in my car the entire girls game. we went in for the boys but only stayed until halftime because of how terribly we were losing. i just feel so naturally comfortable with him. like there was no awkward faze to go through.
but here i am, sitting up in my bed unable to fall asleep because of my thoughts. i'm thinking about how badly it's gonna hurt when he decides he's had enough of me. how easy it's gonna be for him to break me just like the last one did. how all that hurts gonna come rushing right back in like it never left in the first place. i can feel it burning in my chest every time i think about it. the deep, dark emptiness of this void where my heart used to live. i'm thinking about how excited my teacher was when she found out we were together. she told me all about how she watched him grow up, and that he made a "good choice" with me. i'm thinking about what i'd have to tell her when she asks about us, because i know she will. i'm thinking about how i'd have to try my hardest to hide the hurt, but i know i wouldn't be able to. because i'm weak when it comes to heartbreak.
   it's nights like these i feel bad for myself. because i remember how i used to be, so strong and happy go lucky. never letting my emotions get the best of me. now i'm too sad to stand up in the shower or to brush my teeth. he ruined me. he ruined my sense of emotion. he ruined my perspective on love. he ruined my ability to love even. he ruined who i used to be.
   and i'd do anything to get it all back. just to give it to this boy. because he deserves it way more than the other did.