you dumb, sad bitch

2:06am

why am i only sad at times like these?
it's 2am, i should most certainly be asleep being that i have to be up for school at 7, but here i am thinking about the mistakes i made a few months ago.
the fact that i dated a boy i didn't even know solely because i wanted to feel like someone cared about me is haunting me right now. i had avoided boys for a year because of an awful break up, why did i feel the need to let my guard down for him, when i knew he was worse than the previous one? i guess it was because he was the most convenient, and i was sick of feeling lonely.
i guess people make dumb decisions when they're sad, and when they so desperately want to be noticed.
i should be happy with my life. i graduated high-school, i'm in college, i have good friends, and a boyfriend that loves me so very much, but i am still so depressed. there are still days when i don't have the energy or the motivation to even brush my hair. i have no clue how i have managed to keep myself going for this long.
i think i do it for him. i keep pushing and keep testing how far i can go for H. he's the only thing that's really keeping me going now. i feel like i have nothing to live for sometimes. i have no clue what i'm doing with my life, or even the direction i want to head for. i wish problems could just solve themselves. i know i can't leave him here alone, but is it selfish to think about? i couldn't possibly go through with it, but i can't stop the thoughts from running through my mind every now and then.