Mad Jaune: Road Warrior in Remnant

Chapter 5

"Ninety nine bottles of milk on the wall, ninety nine bottles bottles of milk..." "Ruby you dolt, I swear, if you don't cease that infantile caterwauling right now, there will be consequences." "Jokes on you, Weiss. I don't know what those words mean." Ruby said, sticking her tongue out before resuming her song. Weiss grunted as she covered her ears. In the front seat, Yang was tapping her hands on the steering wheel as Blake continued reading her smut. "Hey Blake, gotta light?" Yang asked, reaching into her bra. Blake raised an eyebrow as she watched Yang pull out a large blunt from her boob. 

"Yang, what the hell?" "SWEAR!" Blake turned and looked at Ruby, who shrugged. Blake rolled her eyes and turned back to Yang. "Where did you even get that?" Yang smiled smugly.

MEANWHILE

"Hey Qrow, have you seen my weed? Cinder just showed me how she can use her pussy as a bong using her semblance." Tai said as Qrow jumped off of the couch. "Oh Tai, I'm waiting!" Cinder shouted from the bedroom. "Screw it." Tai said as he pulled a baggie out of the couch cushions.

BACK WITH RWBY

Yang was sitting in the driver's seat, the giant blunt hanging from her lip. "I DoN't ThInK tHaT's WeEd YaNg." Blake said as the smoke filled the car. "YANG, I CAN FEEL MY TEETH VIBRATING." Ruby shouted as she started jumping in her seat while Weiss was busy yelling at Yang's head rest. "Aber Papa, ich wollte ein Einhorn, keine Handtasche aus Vorhaut. Wo hast du das überhaupt her?" Weiss slurred. "HEY, WHERE'S ZWEI?"

IN THE TRAILER

"Alright, let's go over the map again." Juniper said as she folded out the map. "So we know Jaune was seen here." Pyrrha said, pointing at the town where Jaune had fought the White Fang. "And we know a picture of him was taken at the gas station right there just a few days ago." Candy said as she circled the spot where Jaune was last seen. "And so, if we draw a line through all the points Jaune has been, it makes a squiggly line headed towards Beacon." Nora said, pointing to the highway Jaune was apparently taking. "Can we try calling him?" Everyone turned and looked at Jaune's youngest sister, Sable, asked her question. Then they all turned and looked eachother. "Why haven't we tried calling Jaune?" Violet asked. "Well because, uhh, because " "Because we all deleted that faker's number to make sure he couldn't come crawling ba*SLAP* Ow, mom, what the hell?" Jade said as a bright pink hand print formed on her face. "Young lady, this is the last time I am going to tell you. Jaune is not a faker, he is not an embarrassment, and he is not an outcast. He is your brother, and from now on you are going to treat him as such. Do you understand?" Jade mumbled something under her breath. Juniper grabbed her daughter by the ear. "What was that young lady?" "Yes ma'am." She said as tears streamed down her face.

WITH JAUNE AND THE GANG

Jaune listened closely to his CB radio, hoping for some sign of trouble. Holly was sleeping and Mako was messing around with some army men Jaune bought him from a gas station. Jaune turned the rear view and saw Mako slam a soldier with a bayonet into a machine gunner. Jaune smiled "Having fun?" Mako nodded and smiled. 'So cute.' Jaune thought. Suddenly, static filled the air, causing Jaune to stop the car, and waking the girls. "Huh, whuzzut?" Jaune shushed Holly as he turned up the volume on his radio. "Roman, what have I told you about failing." "Sorry, Cinder" "Ahem." "Mistress, but the goons you gave me suck and little Red and her friends keep butting in." Jaune turned on the recorder and plugged in a tape. "Looks like we found trouble." he whispered. "The White Fang have enough on their plate, digging the tunnel from Mountain Glenn to Vale, and with how much dust they already need to fucking drill it, they're gonna tear you a new one if you don't get the dust." "Now I get they need it for the bombs, but what about the other eighty tons of dust you asked me to steal? I saw those bombs and they don't need that much, so what's it for?" "That will be revealed at the fall of Beacon. Now you and Adam and that little bitch of yours had better prepare, or the only thing that'll be left of you will be teeth, ground into a fine powder and thrown into the eyes of a small child." "How are you even contacting me on this thing, it looks like a VCR." "Watts made it, now quit slacking and GET THE DUST!" With that, the call ended. "Holly, give me your scroll. I need to make a call." He typed in a number and waited. "Hullo?" "Hi Velvet."

RWBY were driving down highway 49 too fast. Yang was blitzed out of her mind and Blake was trying not to throw up. Ruby and Weiss were in the back, Weiss using Zwei as a Teddy bear and Ruby was using Weiss as a pillow. It was three in the morning and Yang had already ingested enough Monster to make the most hardcore caffeine junkie nauseous. Dr Oobleck sneezed again. Suddenly, the ringing of Yang's scroll interrupted the bimbo's train of thought. She picked it up and answered. "Yellow." She punned as Pyrrha responded. "Yang, Jaune is headed towards Beacon. We need you to find him and cut him off." "Oh I'll cut him off alright." Yang chuckled. In the headlights, an armadillo was gingerly crossing the street. "Yang this is serious, if I- we don't get him back, he'll never forgive us." Yang rolled her eyes, then saw the armadillo and swerved, sending the car spinning. It landed in a ditch bumper first, flipping the car over and knocking out all of the passengers, except for a certain corgi. "Yang? Hello. Hello? Yang. Ruby. Anyone?" Zwei quickly crawled out from under the wreck and ran off towards the nearest human scent, carrying Yang's bandana.

BACK AT BEACON

"And that's about all of the recording." Ozpin nodded as Jaune told him about the traitor in his school. Ozpin handed the scroll over to Velvet. "Hi Jaune, it's me again." "Oh, uh, hi Velvet. It's good to hear from you again. (Background mumbling) Sorry that was Holly." "Holly?" Velvet asked, perturbed as someone was butting in on her noodle. "She's the waitress I picked up. Hope you don't mind." "Oh no, I don't mind at all. I'm sure she's in for a real treat." Velvet said, grinding her teeth. Suddenly, barking was heard and the swerving of a car. "Sorry, Peaches' just heard you say that and got excited." "And who is Peaches?" "She's a dog I picked up. But I also picked up a little boy named Mako and a bunny named after you." "After me?" "Yeah, she's really cute and has the most adorable little pout, and when she stomps her little feet you just can't help but want to hand her the world. Like you." Velvet blushed and covered her face with her ears, while Coco smirked and lowered her glasses. "Amen to that." She said as Velvet turned a shade of red that would make Pyrrha's hair jealous. "Well I mean, uh, she's really, umm, how about I send you pictures of her and Mako." Velvet was too busy blushing, so Coco took the scroll. "Yes please." "Just a second." In the next minute, two notifications appeared on Velvet's scroll.

(I DON'T NEED AN EXCUSE TO POST CUTE SHIT. YOU'RE WELCOME BY THE WAY.)

Velvet cooed and Coco gushed over the two. "Aww, she looks just like you." Velvet blushed but nodded anyway. Ozpin chuckled in the background, watching the two girls go crazy over a baby and a bunny. "So the scroll is low on battery and I'm headed towards a no service zone. I'll see you all soon." "Okay. Bye Jaune." "Bye."

WITH JAUNE

Jaune was speeding down the road with Mako in his lap, Peaches in the passenger seat, and Holly asleep in the backseat with Lil' Velvet on her stomach. In the distance, he saw a small black and white spot with a purple spot running down the road. He slowed down and grabbed his SKS. Through the scope, he saw a face, or muzzle that he thought he would never see again. "ZWEI?!" Jaune sped up towards the corgi. He stopped a few dozen feet away from the dog. Jaune slowly opened the door, picking up Mako and setting him down in the driver's seat. He slowly approached as Zwei walked towards him, until they both were almost touching. Jaune leaned down and looked the dog directly in the eye. "Remember me, buddy?" Zwei barked excitedly and raced around Jaune's legs. Jaune smiled and picked up the dog and carried him to his car.

Sorry if there's no violence in this chapter but I will update more frequently. I got expelled.