The cure for my madness

Part 10: Toxic friendships

I couldn't sleep at all during that night. My thoughts were just spinning. Is there something wrong with me? Because it seems like there is always drama around me. Since I was awake almost the whole night, I woke up at 12:43 the next day. My day involved just cleaning the apartment a little, anything to distract me from the chaos that happened last night. I put on some The Strokes songs as I cleaned to get me in a better mood. I heard I got a notification on my phone. I hoped that it was Alex that would say something about last night. Maybe he thought I needed space. Letting me make the move after last night, it was me who screamed at him to leave after all.

Heey! Should we hang out at your place or mine tonight? <3

It was Zoey who was so excited to see me. Her emotions switched so fast. She could be so lovely and genuinely caring, then in the second after she is jealous and just rude. Maybe Alex had a little right with what he said? Is she that horrible to me? Or was I overdramatic?

We can be at mine if that is fine. :) <3

That fucking smiley was just a predend, I wasn't happy to see her at all. I always tried to please her, because it was just easier that way. Zoey made me and Alex fight which was so unnecessary, I hope I didn't lose him. She is probably just jealous that we can't spend as much time. But there is something about Alex that makes me wanna spend eternity with him. He is such an interesting person and he actually cares about me. Which feels strange, considering we have known each other for about a week. To be honest he had shown me how much he cares about me in just a week more than Zoey or Marcus. Now I had to make a decision, should I dance along with her in her little dance or should I stick up for myself?

-"Hey Dol" She carried a brown bag with our food and then she sat down on my couch next to me. She was smiling unnaturally big. It was like she knew me and Alex had a fight and she enjoyed it. Maybe you could sense it in the air.

-"Hey Zoey. Look I'm sorry for everything, maybe I have been too busy with Alex. I hope you can forgive me."

-"Dol, it's fine." She said as she squeezed my hand and smiled at me. It was hard to tell if it was genuine or not. What Alex said really changed my perspective.

-"You sure?"

-"Yeah, Dol don't think about that too much." She said as she pulled up brown boxes with our food in them. Now she was in a good mood.

-"What are we going to watch?"

-"Sex and the city obvious." That was our show, we watched when we were teenagers all the time. Right after we got home from school.

-"Zoe?"

-"Yeah?"

-"Can we just talk?"

-"What do you mean? About what?" She said in a passive aggressive voice.

-"Why are you so mad that I'm hanging out with Alex?"

-"It's just, you don't know him."

-"And you know him better?"

-"I just don't want you to get hurt. Okay?" She lied when she said that, I could tell by looking at her face.

-"Or you are just jealous." I almost whispered that to her. I immediately regret saying that.

-"Jealous? Why the fuck would I be that?! I have other people to hang out with."

-"So why do you make me feel so bad for hanging out with him then?!"

-"I'm not!! That is just you being sensitive. Always exaggerating everything and making everything about you!"

My eyes were starting to sting. Her words were like knives that stabbed my heart that was already hurted.

-"I just wanted to have a nice night with you and you just ruined it completely. Why did I even bother to come over?" She said as she walked to my hallway. I didn't even bother to go after her and beg for her forgiveness. She slammed my door so hard that it made me flinch. There I was again, completely alone and sobbing. Alex was right, she was horrible. But I was horrible to him yesterday. I poured myself a glass of white wine to drown my sorrows in. I was standing there with salty cheeks and runny makeup with a glass of wine in my hand, it wasn't the first time. I can't be alone tonight, and I can't call Zoey. I have to apologize to Alex, I need to be at his place. Then there I was, standing outside of his door with runny makeup and was a little tipsy outside of his door. I knocked it, my heart was beating so fast. I had hoped so much he would answer, I can't stand the thought that he could be mad at me. Then he opened his door and he looked concerned.

-"Dol, what are you doing here?" He said and closed the door after me.

-"I'm sorry but I didn't have anywhere else to go. And I'm so sorry for screaming at you. I am a mess and I have ruined everything and-"

-"It's fine, I should be apologizing for screaming at you. I didn't mean to be that aggressive."

-"It feels like I have scared everyone away. I have no one."

-"Well, you have me. You haven't scared me away." He said with a smile and pulled me in for a hug. His hug made me feel so safe.

-"Do you want to sit on the couch and talk for a bit?"

-"Okay" I sniffed. Then we walked to his couch and we laid down next to each other and I had my head on his chest and his arms around me. I just cried my eyes out so much, just let everything out.

-"Hey calm down Dol, breath." He said as he comforted me. He stroked my head, and just listened to me. It was so hard to stop the rivers from pouring down my face. After a while of crying I could get a sentence out.

-"I have realized that you were right about Zoe, she treats me badly." I just wished he wouldn't reply with: I told you so, like Marcus used to do.

-"It feels like I can't just dump her because she has been there for me. It's hard to believe but when she isn't mean she can be so lovely and caring. It's so confusing, you never know what mood she is in.

-"It's better to be alone than to get hurted all the time." He said and stroked his thumb on my wet cheeks.

-"I know. She is toxic because she hurts me but I can't get enough of her. I always found myself crawling back to her. Begging' for forgiveness. God I feel so stuipid."

-"Just so you know, It's not your fault at all." It felt sort of uncomfortable to talk about my feelings, it wasn't because it was with him. It was just that I don't like to be vulnerable to people, I could only get hurt.

-"I'm sorry I came over by the way, I just felt desperate to be with someone. I hope I didn't ruin your night."

-"Dol, don't worry about that. You didn't ruin anything. I just want you to be okay." I didn't know how to respond to that.

-"Is it your guitar?" I looked around in his living room and saw a white guitar standing there. I said it out of nowhere to change the subject.

-"Yeah, I'm in two bands so I have to have at least one." He smiled.

-"Can you play something for me?" I said and sat myself up.

-"Like what? Any requests?" He smirked at me. He looked surprised at first then he lit up like a child.

-"Just a song that means a lot to you."

-"Okay then." He said and went and grabbed his guitar and had a red plectrum in his mouth. I snuggle down on his couch, dying to hear him play. He looked nervous, even though he had played in front of millions of people before. Then his fingertips hit the strings on his guitar and he started playing a song. It was Piledriver Waltz, I recognized it in seconds.

-"I etched the face of a stopwatch on the back of a raindrop. And did a swap for the sand in an hourglass. I heard an unhappy ending, it sort of sounds like you leaving..."

His voice was as beautiful as he was when he sang. My eyelids started to get heavy. The mixture of a sleepless night and his voice put me to sleep almost instantly. It was the best way to fall asleep.

-"You look like you've been for breakfast at the heartbreak hotel..."