𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐝

24

matteo

I need to make a decision.

I leave for Italy in a week and I have two choices. To bring her or to leave her here.

It's a long trip, I'm there from November to the middle of January. My whole family is going to be coming and going over the few months as well as the DeMarco family.

Ma' desperately wants her to come and if I'm honest with myself, I do too. I just don't want to make her uncomfortable or throw her into something she doesn't want.

"In a week, I'm leaving for Italy I'll be there just under three months." I blurt and she looks over at me with wide eyes from the passenger seat of the car. Pausing, she bites her lip waiting for me to speak.

"I wanted to know if you wanted to come with me." Her eyebrows raise in surprise and I nervously glance back at the road, trying not to crash the car.

Valentina swallows hard before replying. "Sure." Her voice sounds nonchalant but her body language says different.

"What?" I did not expect that.

"Sure, I'll come with. I've never left New York before, let alone America so yeah."

Oh.

"Okay then, I have a lot to tell you then before we leave cause you're gonna meet a lot of fucking people."

-

"Hold up, so you have three cousins, Riccardo who's from your dads side and then Liliana and Mia who are twins from your mums side. Your dads brother, uncle Leonardo and his wife Francesca's child is Riccardo. Your mums sister Bianca is widowed but is mother to the twin girls Liliana and Mia. You have your nonna from your dads side and then grandparents Sofia and Alberto from your moms."

"Yeah, that's pretty much it for my family, I'll explain the other family on the plane ride there. It's a lot easier to understand."

"Do you have any puzzles?" I will never underestimate this woman's ability to change subject, she does it so effortlessly it's crazy. And puzzles, here the fuck did she get that from?

"Probably. Why?"

"I feel like doing a puzzle." Valentina shrugs and I start to question how she hid from me for a whole two years. I mean, she's not the brightest. Maybe that's it, she just didn't try and I mean she had no ties to anyone, meaning that know one knew her.

Somehow we end up in the basement, sat on the floor even though there are perfectly good seats just a few feet away, doing a puzzle.

Don't ask me why I'm doing the puzzle as well, when she's the one who wanted to do it.

As soon as we tipped out the pieces, there were 1000, she instantly snapped into some weird zone. Ignoring me and literally everything else around her. It was weird but it was cute.

For the next few hours we sit beside each other and after I coax her out of her head we start mindlessly chatting about literally nothing as we put together the pieces.

It was oddly therapeutic.

When a comfortable silence falls between us my mind drifts off. Pausing to check the date on my phone, I frown.

Today marks three years of my sobriety.

It's been three years since I've touched cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and weed. Even though I can't say the same for alcohol, I know my limits and don't push them. I don't want to end up like I did all those years ago. Back when I was so far into my addiction that I wasn't just hurting myself anymore, I was hurting those around me. Nothing else mattered other than getting my next fix. I can't count the number of times I ended up in hospital beds, staring up at the same boring white ceiling.

Addiction is a weird thing. It wasn't instant, I didn't wake up one day and decide to be an addict. Over the course of a year, I got caught in escape they offered. It started with alcohol- it always does, from there it was weed, then cocaine, ecstasy and lastly heroin. They were all stepping stones to each other and I lost myself in them.

I become a monster. I was angry and irrational and I lashed out on everyone I ever loved. My mind still can't comprehend who that person was, but every year since getting sober I'm reminded. And it feels like every year I fight to convince myself that I'm not that person anymore, but I know deep down that I'll always be that person and that no amount of therapy will change it.

My heart sinks a little at the realisation and the guilt rushes in. I did that to myself, no one else. I made the decision to ruin me all by myself. I hate how much I hurt the people I loved and I hate how much I hated myself. I hate how I can't change the past and how I have to live with in the body that I spent to many years destroying.

I still get nightmares. They're actually memories but sometimes I like to convince myself that they never happened. I don't remember much from back then, I remember the a few hospital visits, the anger I felt and the few memories that haunt my sleep, my most common one being when I used to shoot up in an abandoned parking lot. Looking back, that's how I knew that I was seriously messed up, when I started doing it when no one was around and it was no longer a social thing.

No matter how much I think and think, I always come back to the same question. Why? Why did I start doing drugs? I had a loving family, one that definitely didn't go through any money problems. I had never experienced any major losses, despite being involved in organised crime my whole life.

I know why. I know exactly why. It was all because of a stupid chemical imbalance in my fucking head. I would spend nights convincing myself that I didn't deserve to live, to enjoy my wealthy lifestyle and the loving people around me. Ever since I can remember I've hated myself. I felt like I always said the wrong things, did the wrong things, took up space when I didn't deserve it. I woke up every morning, looking in the mirror and hating the person I was. Before addiction, throughout addiction and even now after sobering up. Some days I'd tell myself that I'll get better one day. That one day came six years later. After eight attempts and one very nearly successful one. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still breathing.

That's why when I saw that look on Valentina's face the other day, my heart broke a little. I knew all to well what that look really meant. It screamed, 'I'm tired', 'I don't want to be here', 'I don't deserve anything other than pain'.

It hurts me to see her hurting like I am and I'm never going to let her go down the path I went.

I don't want her to suffer the way I suffered.

And I'll do everything in my power to protect her. 

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unedited

if you weren't happy with the way this chapter was written since it did mention substance abuse please let me know and if you have any suggestions on how to make it better or more accurate please lmk i am open to criticism.

 i've really been struggling these past couple months and writing has been one of the only things that has helped me get through it, 2021 was not a good year for me or my mental health and i'm happy to welcome a new year in. 

remember to stay safe and drink enough water loves <3