𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐝

43

valentina

I had another weird dream.

This time we were at this park and he was facing away from me so that I could only see the back of his head.

The man was tall with broad shoulders wearing a navy top. His brown hair was buzzed short and he had earrings in both ears.

I remember reaching out to touch his arm only for him to disappear. I remember falling forwards and the scene changed. I was then in some club, it was packed and I was really disoriented but I could feel his hands on me- I don't even know how I knew they were his hands but I just knew.

My skin felt hot under his touch and butterflies swarmed my stomach.

I woke up crying, the dream triggered some memories to resurface. Bad memories. Ones from when I was deep in my addiction, I've blocked most of them out so that I don't have remember a lot from that time.

I keep my hand tight on my mouth to cover my sobs as I stare up at the ceiling. My whole body is shaking and salty tears stream down my face. Turning onto my side, I curl in on myself and lace my hands through my hair. I pull, hard and let the pain distract me but it only makes me cry harder.

There's too much.

I can't handle it.

I can't breathe.

My heart rate shoots up.

It's so loud. It's all I can hear.

It's going too fast.

I start taking faster breaths, it feels like there's something weighing on my chest.

I need more air, I can't get enough air.

My stomach tightens and a pit of anxiety grows, sending waves of fears throughout my body.

No no no.

More and more tears stream down, I shake harder and my palms start tingling.

A chill runs down my spine and I shiver. It so cold. I'm so cold. Why am I so cold?

I need to calm down. I can't calm down.

A muffled deep voice reaches my ears but I can't make out any words. It's too loud. The bed dips and a hand lands on my head, untangling my hands from my hair and placing them at my sides. The hand strokes down my hair soothingly and I try my best to focus on the motions.

My breathing gradually slows and I'm able to hear him.

"It's okay, I'm here." He takes one of my hands in his and gently plays with my fingers, tracing patterns on my palm.

"There you go, you're doing so good." I force my mind to stay in the present. To focus on him not my mind or my body.

Eventually, my tears slow and my breathing goes back to normal. The tingling sensations stop and I don't feel like I'm going to pass out anymore.

"Vee? I'm going to pick you up now, nod if it's okay." I nod my head a little and he slides his arms around my shaking body, lifting me into the air.

We walk into the bathroom and he places me on the counter. I watch as he starts filling up the bath, adding soap to the bath and making it bubble.

The smell of lavender and vanilla fills my senses and I take a deep breath in.

I take a moment to study him. Matteo's brown hair is messy on top of his head and he's wearing a pair of grey joggers and a white top that looks as if he just threw it on. His face is a little puffy like he's just woken up and a sudden guilt hits me.