𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐝

26

valentina

It's getting bad again. The familiar hollow feeling in my chest has returned and I feel even worse than I normally do when it comes back.

I'm struggling.

Tears prick my eyes and I feel myself getting angry. Why does it always come back? No matter what I do, I can't seem to shake this feeling.

I just wish I was normal. I wish that I grew up with a loving mother and father, a sibling or two, fuck maybe even a dog if I'm lucky. But maybe this feeling is inevitable. Maybe even if I had the perfect life, I would still feel like this.

Maybe.

I haven't had many relationships with anyone in my life. No family. No friends. No partners. It's always been just me. It makes me anxious that I'm going to fuck this up for myself. Matteo and I are friends now, friends that sometimes kiss, (we should probably talk about that) and I really don't want to loose him, just the thought of it makes my heart drop.

But I don't know how to be a good friend. I don't know how to comfort people and I sure as hell don't know how to fully trust anyone and give them my all. I've never been with anyone for longer than one night, never even got around to telling them my name.

Matteo's the exception to every rule I've ever lived by. He's seen me at my worst, continuously, and rarely sees me at my best. Despite all of that, he doesn't look at me with pity or false sympathy, he looks at me with admiration and respect. He doesn't make me work for it either, I don't ever have to prove anything to him because he finds it himself. He likes me, he looks at all of my flaws, my weird habits, everything I hate about myself and for some fucking reason decides he likes it.

Someone needs some help for that don't they.

He's got some weird hold over me. Whenever I see red cars, I think of him. The colour green, Matteo. The ocean, him. Whiskey, tattoos, watches, hot chocolate, puzzles, kidnapping, Italy, fucking hotels. My brain always finds a way to connect everything I see back to him.

Even my favourite things in the world, crystals, books and brownies are all connected to him.

What is happening to me?

I've also noticed how different he is around me compared to everyone else. He never raises his voice, threatens me, makes me feel scared, he's actively the opposite. He always helps me when I need him to, gives me the space that I need, agrees to most things that I say, is vulnerable around me, the list goes on and on. I mean, he's asleep on my shoulder right now for fucks sake. 

Staring out of the plane window, watching the clouds as we fly through and above them, my mind will not rest. I've never been on a plane before and I'm a little on edge. Takeoff was the worst, but Matteo let me squeeze the shit out of his hand and gave me some mints. After that he dozed off and has been using my shoulder as a pillow for the past hour.

Only six hours and thirty-five minutes to go until we reach Milan.

To say that I'm nervous is an understatement. Not only am I meeting the whole Marchetti family, I'm meeting some other family as well. On top of all of that I cannot forget that I stole from this mafia and that I'm lucky to be alive. Although I doubt they'll kill me now, Matteo likes me too much.

-

"Vee." A soothing voice reaches my ears and a hand that's placed on my shoulder gently shakes me awake.

"Hm." I shuffle a little, trying to get as comfortable as I can even though I'm rolled up in a ball.

"We've landed."

My eyes flutter open before shutting again, maybe if I just stay asleep I won't have to get off this plane and talk to anyone.

"C'mon mi amore, open those eyes." His thumb strokes my cheek, I lean into the contact and he laughs.

"I got you a brownie." Matteo coaxes and I internally roll my eyes.

"I'm up."

"That's my girl." He ruffles my hair and I glare up at him, completely ignoring the butterflies in my stomach.

Once I stand up and steady myself after my legs nearly give out on me, I walk out of the plane following after him. We used his private plane, since they're bringing some slightly illegal stuff and Matteo doesn't like people, so it was just me, him, Cairo and Enrico, who sat at the back of the plane together.

So cute.

We walk off the plane and straight into a black Range Rover, practically surrounded by men in black suits and guns. Feeling intimidated in my leggings and Matteo sweatshirt that I stole from hi, I walk shuffle and close as I can into his side. Him and I settle in the back of one and Cairo and Enrico get into the second car.

I take a deep breath and stare out the window. My first time out of New York and my first time leaving America. All with the Italian mafia and oddly by choice. Placing my hands under my legs to stop them trembling, I bite my lip questioning if this was a good idea. I'm going to meet a lot of dangerous people and I know for a fact that they aren't all like Matteo.

Oh well, too late now.

Looking over at Matteo who previously had has eyes glued to his phone and is now looking at me, I send him a weak smile, he returns one but it doesn't reach his green eyes that are studying me intensely.

A feeling that I'm yet to decipher settles in my gut, I can't tell what it is but I know that something is going to happen here, good or bad.

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unedited

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remember to take care of yourselves, drink water, brush your hair, your teeth, take a shower or do a face mask, i doesn't matter what it is but do something that makes you feel better and if it doesn't work, at least you're clean

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