𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐝

36

spencer - 3 years ago

I look over at her as she stares silently at the city below us. As she sucks the tip of the blunt and as she gently blows out the smoke.

She looks calm.

Not happy, definitely not happy, there's a ghost of a frown permanently etched into her blank expressions and her brown eyes are tainted with sadness. Even though she carries a sorrow weight she seems light, as if she could be knocked over by a small gush of wind.

I step forward to take my place next to her and lean my forearms on the low wall. The almost suffocating muggy aftermath of a hot summers day in New York lays like a blanket of warmth over my shoulders, allowing for us to be in shorts and tees even at 1 am.

Bella keeps her eyes locked forward as she slips the blunt into my fingers, I accept it and lift it to my lips, my heart warming as I suck the tip.

"It's crazy to think that everyone down there has their own life. Like they have their whole family and friends and jobs. And then some of them overlap and they don't even know it yet. It's like you could be stood next to someone who's going to be a massive part of you're life in the future or maybe even tomorrow and you'd never know until later. Maybe you won't even remember the first time you walked past them or even know that they took the same bus you did."

I turn my head to watch her as she rambles, her high mind overthinking. When she stops she turns to looks directly at me before mumbling something like "I guess you could walk past a serial killer or someone who's going to be the death of you in the future as well."

Laughing at her, I stumble to the side when she shoves me. "Shut up."

Bella signals for me to pass her the blunt but I shake my head, gesturing her closer. She rolls her eyes and steps forward to stand in front of me. I glance down at her, taking a long drag of the blunt before leaning down and tugging on her bottom lip. She opens her mouth and accepts the smoke as I blow it in. I smirk as she blows it out and she shoots me a glare. Deciding to not be an asshole, I put the blunt in between her lips, holding it for her as she wraps her pretty plump lips around it.

"Happy now?" That one earns me a punch in the arm but it's so weak that it doesn't even hurt.

"Spencer why do you do drugs?" Bella says after a beat of silence.

"Why do you do drugs Bella?"

"They make me feel. They're an escape, they're fun." She lists off numbly, unbothered by the deepness of the question.

It's something she's good at, ignoring the weight of things and something that I've never quite grasped.

I hum in agreement to all except the first because although they make me feel it's not why I do them. I use them to forget my feelings. And more truthfully I use them to get as close as possible to death without actually dying. And the chance that I could actually just makes it all the better.

It's a noncommittal way of committing suicide, when I up my dosage and test out my limits, I push my body to it's breaking point just to feel a second of peace, before it all comes crashing back down.

I don't know really how I started, how I got to this point. Honestly, my memory is pretty fuzzy and some days I don't even remember my own name. Languages in my head get mixed up and I end up speaking Italian and English at the same time, it's a mess.

I'm a mess.

But so is she, so at least I'm not alone.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I wasn't constantly on drugs. Would I be bored, it sounds pretty boring. Would I still be fighting my own head without a way to forget? Would I make my familia proud and finally become the person they knew I always wanted to be, before I got in the way? Or would it be just like before, going to sleep only to hope I'd never wake up again.

So many question yet no answers.

I turn my attention back to the brunette who's watching me closely with a blank expression on her pretty face. Her face doesn't give away a thing but her eyes on the other hand. Those big brown eyes hold so much curiosity, so many unspoken words and so many secrets.

What are you hiding?

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super short chapter but it fits the flashback i think

shit post

spencer pov unlocked

unedited and cringe

<3