𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐝

56

matteo

She's in love with me too.

I brush a piece of hair out of her face. Vee's dead asleep next to me, wearing only my shirt and is very tangled up in the fluffy covers.

How did I get so lucky? I must have done some good shit in my past life to have her be in love with me.

It hurts to think that her head is plagued with the same thoughts as mine but it's oddly comforting to have someone that understands. It's also scary to think that if she can't handle them sometimes then neither can I.

I want to be there for her so badly, and I am but I don't have a normal brain either. I know how dark and painful it can get and how quickly it can cloud over, how long everything lingers even when you think it's over. And I know how it feels to feel like you're just making it up because you have days when you're happy.

Depression doesn't stop you from being happy. It stops you from wanting to be happy, stops you from finding the motivation to be happy and makes you feel like you're staring from the word from the outside in; watching everyone move on with their lives while you're stuck wondering why that can't be you.

In some twisted way though, I don't want my depression to leave me. It's become a part of me that I can't imagine myself living without. I make every decision around my mental state and if I don't have that factor I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

One of my biggest fears is loosing her. My biggest fear actually.

And if I lost her to the very thing I've almost lost myself to countless times, I don't think I'd survive.

I wish I could take away all the pain and all the hurt but they make her her. They're the reason her smiles are so much sweeter. It's the reason hearing her laugh sends my heart rate rocketing.

Seeing her sad makes seeing her happy a million times better because I know how hard it is to be happy when you're surrounded by so much sadness.

When I trace the scars on her skin, the small round burn marks, the longer thinner cuts and scratches, the deeper ones, they all make her.

Vee's body carries the weight of her existence on the surface, evidence of the suffering she's endured in her life.

As much as I wish they were never inflicted, I would never wish them away because they're part of her and I love her, every last bit of her.

Even though she sometimes disagrees I don't see her as damaged because of what she's been through, I see her as strong because of it.

And there won't ever be a day that I don't remind her of it.

Today's a big day in Vee's life, she's starting therapy and getting a paternity test to find out if Alessandro is her father, to find out if she has a family.

I want to make everything as easy as possible but I don't know how. I'm anxious about today and it's not even happening to me so I don't know how she's going to feel.

I don't know if she wants space or wants me to be beside her holding her hand tight, telling her that everything will be okay.

Whatever she wants.

-

I stand beside her, my hand held tightly by hers.

Leaning down I place a kiss on her temple, whispering to her that everything will be okay in the end.

A plain white door faces us. The entrance to Marco, Vee's new therapists office.

I knock on the door and a faint "Come in." Is heard from the other side.