𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐝

46

valentina

I'm sat on the grass, it's night but it's warm. It's summer. My legs are crossed and there's someone sat next to me, drawing patterns on my thigh and sending butterflies into my stomach.

"Bella."

I jolt at the name, my body reacting to it as if it's mine- it's not. Slowly, I turn my head to meet the person sat next to me.

"Spencer." Slips past my lips while I scream internally. That's not Spencer. That's definitely not Spencer. Because that's Matteo.

That's Matteo? Who's Spencer? Why did I call Matteo, Spencer?

His big cold hand grips my jaw and I lean closer. Our lips gently connect as if it's second nature and he pulls my thigh so that I'm straddling him. I hold his face in my hands, tilting my head to deepen the kiss and he slips his tongue in, his hands palming my thighs, encouraging me. 

My body is on auto-pilot and my mind feels disconnected from it, I'm not telling myself to do any of this and yet I'm doing it anyway.

Why is Matteo in my dreams? Why does he look so different but so familiar?

It suddenly hits me that I'm not sober and that this is too real for it to be a dream. This is a memory of when I was in my addiction. I knew Matteo but not as Matteo, I knew him as Spencer.

I slowly pull out of the dream and wake up feeling slightly nauseous at the realisations. Watching the white ceiling above me with drowsy eyes, I try and gather make sense of my past.

I knew him. But why did I call him Spencer? Does he remember me? Why did he call me Bella? Where were we? And how the fuck did we end up kissing? Why did his touch give me butterflies like it does now? How did I forget about him? How long ago was this?

So many questions, so little answers.

I turn over to look at the window across the room from me. Deciding that I need some air, I roll out of bed and walk over to it. With shaky hands- I shake a lot- I open it up and hop up onto the windowsill, hanging my legs off of the edge. I breathe in the chilled air and stare out at the dark garden, the only light coming from the moon. It's a cloudy night tonight so there aren't any stars visible, I'm hoping that tomorrow it's clearer.

I've always wanted to see the stars. There are no stars in New York, at least none I've ever seen that I remember.

It's a full moon tonight. I sigh, my breath forming a white cloud as I stare up at it. It reminds me of my childhood. I would spend every night just staring at the moon. Some nights it would be from my bedroom at the orphanage and other on the streets. It's been one of the only constants in my life, it's always there, comforting me. The moon will never let me down, it can never cause me pain and never leave me like I'm nothing.

Like most things in my life have.

It's a still night, the wind rarely blowing by and the tall trees standing like motionless guards.

Goosebumps travel the length of my body but I can't bring myself to move. The cold air is refreshing and I don't want to go back to sleep, I don't think I could if I tried.

I'll talk to Matteo in the morning about it. It's better to talk about it and figure it out than just leave it. I have to know if it's possible.

But for now, I'm just going to sit here and enjoy some peace and quiet for once.

-

I wake up disorientated.

My head is leaning agaisnt the wall by my window and my legs are curled on the ledge.