whatever the hell we want || j. jordan

~ chapter 4.7 ~

Soon enough, the music was blaring and everyone was cheering and singing and dancing without a care in world. If we're dying in a week, we might as well spend that week having fun. I wasn't having fun. I hadn't had a drop of moonshine in an hour and I wasn't planning on having any more. I wasn't regretting my decision exactly, more regretting everyone else's.

There was a banging at the door. Bellamy and the rest of the guards. Monty was there too, and Jaha. Jasper heard the banging and turned up the music.

I walked over to the door. It was jammed, and I wasn't planning on letting them in, but I wanted to say goodbye, if that didn't sound too weird. Jasper saw that it was Bellamy at the door and came over too. He took Harper's gun off the table and brought it with him.

I gripped his hand. "Don't do anything stupid, please." He said nothing, just putting his hand up to the window. Everyone had written 'DNR' on their palms, for do not resuscitate.

"Jasper," Bellamy said through the door. "Put down the gun and open the door."

"We're not coming out." Jasper said.

Monty came up to us. "Are you really willing to die when there's a way to live? Are they?"

I knew Bellamy saw my face. I was close to tears, and not good at hiding it.

"That's just it," Jasper said. "We don't think it's a way to live."

Monty gave up and stepped away from the door. Bellamy took his place. "Jasper. People will get hurt. Harper, Cressida. I know you care about that."

"If you don't want anyone to get hurt, don't open the door." Jasper turned around and left, going back to the party. I stayed, not saying anything. There was nothing to say.

"Tell Mr. Jordan that I will not leave children here to die." Jaha said. I turned to tell him, but Jasper had disappeared into the crowd. I leaned against the wall next to the door. I didn't feel like drinking.

"Cressida," Bellamy said through the door. "I know you don't want to die. Surely there something you can do."

"That's just it, Bellamy," I answered. "There is nothing I can do. I can't leave them here and I can't stay and just die. But abandoning them right now isn't an option."

Everyone in the hall looked uncomfortable. God knows I was. They slowly left to move out. First light was fast approaching.

I found the nearest trash can and threw up, over and over until there was nothing left in my stomach.

•

Harper, Jasper, and I went out to see everyone off. Bellamy noticed us and stopped.

"Not too late to change your mind," He said.

"Yes, it is." Jasper sighed. "You can still stay, you know."

"I'm not a quitter."

He hugged Harper, then Jasper. "May we meet again."

"We won't." Jasper said.

"Whatever the hell you want." Bellamy smiled.

When Bellamy got to me, I held on tight. I wasn't ready for this. My heart was racing. I wanted to leave with him. I wanted to live. "Bellamy, you need to help me. They're going to kill themselves and I don't want to die." I whispered into his shoulder. "If we have to drag Jasper out of here by his tongue I'm willing. Please just do something. I don't want to die." I let a few tears run off my face and onto his shirt. "I don't want to die."

He obviously couldn't do anything. What was there to do? He didn't say anything. He just let go of the hug and looked back at me. There were tears in his eyes as well. He was struggling just as much as I was, but he had enough of a backbone to save himself.