whatever the hell we want || j. jordan

~ chapter 5.4 ~

I woke on the floor, drenched in sweat. In all my years of being on the Ground, I had never had a nightmare so vivid and awful. I was standing in a field, watching the Death Wave lumber towards me. I wasn't afraid of death anymore. I stood my ground. That's when Jasper materialized in front of me. Then Octavia, Miller, Bellamy, and so on. Every person I cared about stood in front of me, moments away from being burned to a crisp. I pushed them to the side, but I was moving in slow motion. The wave hit, and I watched every one of them fall. I was the only left standing, watching everyone I loved writhe and die in front of me.

I had no idea why this dream was coming to me now, so many years after the wave. I'd been separated from them for so long, there wasn't a reason that I should worry for them. They were either long dead or had figured some way to survive. It would only be a few years before we could be together again.

The dread settled in. I had forgotten about the crumbled tower. I would never see them again, I was stuck down here until the food ran out and I starved to death. I suddenly started to hyperventilate. I couldn't get enough oxygen in, I was going to choke and die. Apparently my fall to the ground and erratic breathing had woken Jasper, who was sleeping in the next bed over.

He slid onto the ground next to me and hugged me. "Cress, are you alright?"

I couldn't bring myself to nod. "It was just a dream. I'm sorry for waking you. We should be quiet, we'll alert a guard."

"Eh, fuck the guards. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," I stood. "Can I sleep with you tonight?"

Jasper grinned.

"Now isn't the time for that joke, Jasper," I sighed, laughing quietly. "You know what I meant."

"Yeah. here," He got back in bed, opening the covers.

I crawled into the tiny single bed and cuddled up as close to Jasper as I could to keep from falling off the bed. "Thank you, Jas."

I didn't sleep for the rest of the night. Even with Jasper's arms around me, I couldn't even close my eyes without reliving the dream.

The dream repeated for the next week. I eventually stopped waking Jasper and powered through it on my own. I lost so much sleep that I was consistently dozing off during work, and Emerson often had to handle the farm on his own.

It wasn't until I, rather comically in hindsight, fell asleep standing and tumbled down a flight of stairs that I let myself go to medical for some sort of guidance, emotional or physical.

Jackson gave me some tea and let me lay down on a cot for a short while. The cots in medical were much more comfortable than the ones for the rest of us. I slept for three uninterrupted hours. It was more than I'd slept each night for the past two weeks. All of my friends (all, being only three) were being incredibly patient with me for being snappy and angry with exhaustion.

Not only was I having difficulty sleeping, the days were growing more and more mundane as time went on. Both Jasper and I took a week off of work to spend together and try to have fun to cheer up.

We ended up sitting around for most of it. When we weren't reading and cuddling, we were bugging Miller at his post or scouting out hiding places. On our last day of 'vacation', we were laying in Jasper's bed.

"I miss privacy," I sighed.

"Me, too. There are many things we could have done this week if only we had our own room," Jasper winked.

"What, like this?" I pressed slow kisses to his jaw and neck.

"Careful, we don't want to get caught and thrown in the ring."

The fighting ring was a joke at this point. The urge to enjoy whatever life was left under the bunker outweighed the urge to survive through it. We wouldn't be getting out, and I'd certainly rather die now than suffocate in three years when the oxygen and food ran out.

"I couldn't care less about that." I nipped at his neck, then leaned my head against his chest.

"Do you ever think about the future?" His voice was serious again.

"Too often," I sighed. "I don't like to, but imminent death is pretty mind-consuming."

"No, not the future. Our future." Jasper turned his head down to look at her. "We're going to be down here for the rest of our lives, Cress. I love you, and you've made these past three years so much more bearable."

"What are you saying?" My eyes darted back and forth between his. "I mean, I love you, too." Sure, I'd thought about it a lot. We'd been together for about three years. I didn't plan on breaking up any time soon. But he couldn't be about to say what I thought.

"Do you think we should get married? Besides, they'll give us our own room," He grinned again. I couldn't believe he wasn't nervous about this at all. He was a changed man, after all. But this was a serious question, one that stopped my heart entirely. Jasper's heart wasn't even beating faster than normal.

"Married?" I managed to choke out. "Like, wedding married?"

"I do believe that's how it works, yeah. Of course, I'm not sure how many weddings they host down here. It's not exactly the best venue. But I'm sure someone can officiate it and we'll get some sort of celebration. Maybe they'll bring out the alcohol."

"I haven't said yes yet," I reminded him. "Also, we're not supposed to drink anymore, remember? Sobriety."

Jasper shrugged. "But you know that it is bound to happen at some point, right? Why not do it now? We can have a private room, better privileges, privacy."

Of course I was going to accept. I just never thought I'd be getting married at my age, much less getting proposed to while laying half-naked in a tiny bed deep underground.

It wasn't the same fairytale proposal I'd dreamt of as a kid, with roses and music and sparkling dresses.

But Jasper was definitely the same fairytale prince.

"Of course, I'll marry you, Jasper. Yeah, we're young, but we probably won't live to be old. No better time than now, right?"

Jasper pulled her into a kiss. "Great, then. Good! For now, let's sleep. I'll talk to Octavia in the morning."

I groaned. I'd forgotten that every legal decision had to go through Queen Octavia the Terrifying. She would have to approve the request before we could find an officiant. Maybe the old Octavia was still in there somewhere. The old Octavia, the one who'd taunted me about Jasper multiple times. The old Octavia, the one who'd comforted both Jasper and myself countless times. The one I'd cared for so much all those years ago.

We'd just have to wait until morning to find out.

•

yea so guess who wasn't planning that it just kind of happened bc i realized that they're under the bunker for so long they probably aren't going to stay dating for like four years.

anyway so maybe we'll have some lighthearted chapters abt the wedding and the uhhhh how should i put it...

consummation.

but only if y'all hype this up enough. smut is a reward not a privilege.
also i'm just bad at writing it so 😁

and also this chapter is not edited it's late and i just wanted to get something out for y'all