suck my dick (jihan smvt)

40.

jisoo then remembered "hey, i just remembered i also bought some cough syrup for your throat, it's supposedly really good and immediately makes it feel less swollen" he said with a gentle smile as he stood up to get it

he grabbed a spoon and poured a portion on it after reading the instructions and told him to open his mouth, once jeonghan swallowed he was surprised at it not hurting that much and his throat immediately feeling less dry

"the doctor also said you shouldn't eat anything but liquid foods until you can swallow water without any problems" jisoo started "i bought some baby food and oatmeal for you" he said with a small chuckle

he realized the other couldn't tell him if he was hungry or not so he said "blink once if you're hungry and twice if you're not" he said and giggled

jeonghan blinked once still not being able to make facial expressions, jisoo smiled and stood up "i'm going to make you some oatmeal then" he said but was stopped by jeonghan grabbing his arm and hesitantly pointing it towards his crotch

jisoo raised an eyebrow confusedly until jeonghan pointed to the bathroom making him giggle "oh" he said "i'll go make you your oatmeal while you go pee, the doctor said i should just help you get up but you should be able to go to the bathroom and bathe yourself just fine" he said

jeonghan tried to stand up with the younger's help and felt his weak legs fight to keep himself up as he started walking slowly towards the bathroom

"oh i put on some underwear and shorts on you while you were asleep, i didn't put a shirt on you because it was hard without waking you up and it didn't fit with the neck collar, let me know if you want me to help you put one on if you're uncomfortable" jisoo said from the kitchen

jeonghan looked at himself in the mirror and thought of the last time he had looked at himself in that same mirror before taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, him chocking himself and jisoo on the verge of tears with him screaming in pain came to his mind, then when he was bathing him and comforting him, and finally when he finally stopped crying and felt like his soul had left his body in a trance

he opened his eyes wanting the unpleasant memory to go away and feeling so guilty that jisoo had to be the strong one for that even though it must've been incredibly traumatic, he didn't even know why he hurt himself, it had never even crossed his mind to do so but then again, it wasn't really him at that moment, anyone could've lost control in such a painful moment, maybe he had been there for jisoo when he had a panic attack but it was much more easier then, jisoo didn't hurt himself and no bathtub was involved, he didn't have to bathe him or put him to rest, he didn't have to go to the doctor, he didn't have to spend a lot of money in order for him to get better or carry him and care for him while he slept for a full day, it made him feel incredibly guilty and at the same time realize that there was no way back

he really liked jisoo in a romantic way and somehow didn't want to stop his feelings anymore, if jisoo had gone through all that it must've meant that he at least cared for him, although he was sure jisoo didn't have romantic feelings for him, however he breathed heavily feeling like he was in huge debt to him forever and he couldn't bare with the feeling, he started losing mental consciousness again as he opened the drawer behind the mirror door and saw some shaving razors, he was about to grab them not being sure about what he was about to do until jisoo walked by since the door wasn't closed "the oatmeal's nearly read-" he froze when he saw him about to grab the razors and stared at his hands first before his expression turned cold and nearly letting a worried one slip, which he was avoiding in order to not hurt jeonghan more, he had never seen him make that expression and as he made eye contact with him, he took a deep breath before nodding and rubbing his face "come on, let's talk on the bed" he said and grabbed his hand gently

they both sat on the bed facing each other and jisoo was clearly trying not to cry "jeonghan i'm going to be honest with you, i also went to see a psychiatrist, partly because i couldn't sleep for more than an hour since i fell asleep hugging you last night and just barely slept during the day before you woke up, i was shaking in fear at seeing you like that and i'm not telling you this is for you to feel guilty, it's for you to know that i care about you so much and i would never recover if anything bad happened to you" he said with his voice breaking "i also went to ask her about why you could've ch- done that to yourself and she told me several reasons, however she told me that if you did something like it again it could mean much more serious things, so, i really need to ask, are you thinking about just- just hurting yourself or do you want to-" he couldn't say the words without sniffing and covered his eyes as if he was only rubbing them and not supressing tears "kill yourself?" he said and finally broke down in tears

jeonghan felt tears escape his eyes too and lifted his arm to rub his back comforting him, he wished he could say something but couldn't physically and mentally

he grabbed his phone which was on the nightstand and opened the notes app to write "jisoo, i'm so sorry for what i made you go through, i wish i could just turn back in time and make you not go through it, but it showed me that you do really care about me, i'm really not thinking about dying, i don't even consider it as an option, but when i did that to myself i was in a lot of pain and somehow chanelled it through it, like it wasn't really me, i started blacking out again just a while ago when you saw me about to grab those razors, i'm also confused as to why it's happening but i swear i won't hurt myself in any way anymore, please don't even worry about me leaving this world soon by choice"

he showed it to jisoo and the younger read it in between his tears while sniffing, he then relaxed and felt better after reading it but still feeling bad "sorry for crying you don't need this" he said and cleared his throat "it's just too much" he said

"i do feel guilty seeing you like this but you can cry all you need to cry, being strong doesn't mean you can't cry, i prefer this than you bottling your feelings up, believe me, you don't want that" he wrote again and showed it to him

jisoo read it and smiled lightly "thank you" he said and chuckled feeling his tears stopping a bit "so, do you want your oatmeal?" he asked

jeonghan tried to nod but just wrote yes on this phone making jisoo stand up to get it