suck my dick (jihan smvt)

32.

jisoo was walking back home calmly, he was sore but feeling good physically when his mind wandered to jeonghan and started feeling guilty

"i shouldn't have said that to him, it was kinda shitty" he sighed "we were doing so well lately"

he clicked his tongue and looked at the busy streets as he was waiting for the light to change to red so he could cross the street "what is even my deal? why does he make me so angry but nervous at the same time? i- this is the worst feeling ever" he rubbed his face in frustration and combed his hair backwards

"seungcheol was very good but it wasn't jeonghan, jeonghan just has that- i don't know, he has something special but i just can't- i-" he said to himself out loud and started walking once cars stopped passing

he thought about how jeonghan really made him feel and realization hit him, after months of avoiding thinking about it "oh no, please don't tell me- fuck- i- do i?" he asked himself with a horrified expression

"do i have feelings for jeonghan?" he asked again and groaned while looking up to the sky with a concerned expression at the thought "no, i can't be- but- but what if i do?" he groaned

"if i do fall for him then it's over for me because he'll never like me back, like ever, i just said those things to make him feel embarrassed, he doesn't give a literal shit about me but i guess i'm fine with that, i don't want a relationship with him even if i start do like him, which i'm not even sure i do" he whispered trying to convince himself he didn't even really like jeonghan yet and then giggled as a thought came to his mind

"if someone would've told myself from just a few months back that this would be me now, cursing, having so much sex i can't even count the times, screaming at teachers, haven done drugs and quitting, and just being- well, what i became now, i would've probably not even believed it, it's just- crazy" he chuckled "i know this is what i always was though" he said

when he arrived to the apartment, he knocked on the door and it was opened by a teary eyed jeonghan

"hi, i shouldn't have said that stuff, it- it wasn't cool" the younger said awkwardly

the other just blinked twice to try to hide the little remaining tears in his eyes without having to shed a tear and sniffed trying to disguise his puffy face "it's okay" he said and cleared his throat before hugging him awkwardly for less than a second and then immediately breaking it avoiding eye contact

jisoo didn't even get a chance to hug back even though he really wanted to but entered the house and shut the door behind him

they stayed in silence for a couple of seconds until jisoo spoke "han, if this had happened some months ago i would've probably just ignored the situation or be even meaner about it but i think it's time i lost my pride, the truth is i-" he stopped himself and immediately changed what he was going to say, not being able to admit even to himself that he liked jeonghan "the truth is do care about you" he said instead "i've spent a lot of time with you and we've gone through a lot together, you're the closest person i've ever been to too, i'm working on my attitude but i put up walls and i know you do too, let's just take it slow and keep on being-" he stopped again and cringed "friends?" he giggled at how weird that sounded

jeonghan cringed too "yeah, maybe let's not say that out loud" he chuckled, he knew there was no way jisoo liked him back and they 'hated' each other so much they weren't even supposed to be friends, but this was officially establishing their 'friendship' "i'm sorry too jisoo" he said in a more serious tone "i shouldn't have said that, the truth is that i was embarrassed that you called me out like that, we don't need to talk about it, we can keep on having the same relationship we have, and as you say take things slow- i mean like in our friendship, because we can't even count all the times we've had sex, and i know what i said, but, yeah, you're my favorite" he smirked slightly at the last part

jisoo chuckled and then teased "oh i'm honored" he said and then continued while half supressing his smile "by the way" he said a little nervously "about what i said- and what they used to do to me in conversion therapy, i- i don't really count it han, you're my first kiss- if that's okay with you or if it's even allowed" he said avoiding eye contact

"jisoo i don't want to sound cheesy" jeonghan started "but if you buy a donut at the store and i just rudely grab your donut without you giving me your permission and then eat it, you would still say i ate your donut, it wouldn't be mine because you didn't give it to me, but if you would've shared me your donut and i would've eaten it, then yes, i would've eaten our donut, so yes jisoo, of course it doesn't count if you don't want it to count, and i think the original metaphor is easier to understand but being a chronic weed smoker really fried my brain, so i don't know if it was even understandable but yeah" he chuckled

jisoo chuckled too "thank you, it means a lot" he said and then smirked "hey, then did you say you want to eat my donut?" he asked with a suggestive teasing face

jeonghan genuinly laughed out loud "you're an idiot" he said

"so, truce?" jisoo asked and put his hand out for a handshake

"corny" jeonghan scoffed but gave him a handshake "truce" he said a little awkwardly

jisoo smiled briefly and then cleared his throat as he walked over to the bedrooom, he sat on his bed and jeonghan sat on his

then, the younger clicked his tongue "well, you pretty much know nearly all my sexual history, and as you know i'm extremely curious about yours, so let's start by something easy when and who was your first kiss" he asked

"okay, believe it or not, my first kiss was completely consensual" jeonghan started with a chuckle "it's not a happy story though, but get used to it if you're going to ask me so much stuff of my past" he said

the younger sighed and looked down while puffing his cheeks with a tired hum in agreement and then walked over and sat on jeonghan's bed with him "okay, tell me, i'm ready" he said

so the other started "when i was 12 i had a big crush on this boy called wonwoo, he had just moved here and spoke in gyeongsang dialect, i was excited because my dad is from gyeongsang and i could talk to him in dialect and no one knew what we were saying, he was from a very accepting and open minded family and had known that he was bisexual since he was 10 and told his parents, i was so jealous that they loved and supported him because by that time i was already realizing i was gay too, and he was my first real crush, i would go to his house all the time and he would come to mine, it was amazing because he would always make me feel happy and told me that i deserved love, something i had never been told, his mom was incredibly nice to me too, i loved going to his house, until unfortunately one night that he had slept over at my house i decided to confess my feelings, to my surprise, he liked me back and it felt perfect, so that's when it happened, he kissed me and i kissed back, overall the kiss was really cringey because well, we were twelve, but it was cute and we were both really happy until we were interrupted by my dad opening the door asking if we wanted a beer, he stood there for a few seconds processing the situation and i knew i was in trouble since i grew up hearing him say all sort of horrible comments towards queer people, the only thing i wished for was that he didn't hurt wonwoo, after he finally reacted, he took off his belt and started beating me, he screamed slurs at me and called me horrible stuff while wonwoo cried and screamed to make him let me go, but it was no use, after a while he just started punching me until i started bleeding out seriously thinking i was about to die, eventually, wonwoo gave up and called his mom not telling her the real reason in fear of my dad, she quickly picked him up and my dad made me change schools immediately, i don't know how or why i didn't die, but in case you haven't noticed, i still have plenty of scars from that time, well, the point is that i never saw wonwoo again but he's probably scarred for life because of that" he said and sighed out of breath "after all the brain damage from binge-drinking, my dad became pretty chill about the gay thing later on though, when i came out to him i was expecting him to kill me but after beating me up and verbally abusing me as well, we just made an agreement that i would never date, kiss or pretty much just like anyone while i was still living under his roof" he said and clasped his hands together with a slight smile waiting for the other to answer