tw// self harm
it had been a few weeks since jisoo broke down in his arms and their relationship had been really about the same as it was after their fight, just a little more gentle
they were 'friends' although they had now both admitted to themselves that they liked the other but were convinced that the other did not feel the same way and would never even consider bringing up, so they behaved the same way
jeonghan got in the bathroom with his natural resting tired face which he always masked in order not to show, it looked like he was going through his second divorce unemployed so he didn't want people going around thinking he was sad
and for years, he really wasn't, or at least he couldn't tell he was, he hadn't really felt much over the past years until he realized liked jisoo, he shook his head trying to shake the feeling away and cleared his throat as he stared at himself in the mirror
he never locked the door because they were always respectful towards their space, but that time he locked it not really knowing the reason
his mind wouldn't stop going over what jisoo had said to him that time about allowing himself to feel and not only cope with 'comedy' over and over again, it was the kind of nice things he imagined moms said even though he never had one, for some reason it made him feel like something changed inside his brain
every day since that, the feeling became more powerful, taking a toll on him, even though he thought it wasn't noticeable, jisoo did notice he seemed slightly more down
times where he was beaten or abused came to his mind which made him flinch and look at himself in the mirror again with an incredous expression "what is happening to me?" he whispered
he tried to smile to distract himself but just felt worse instead, it was like there was a huge pressure pushing him down to the floor right from his chest
it was weird because he hadn't felt emotional pain like that in years, he really didn't even remember what it felt like "maybe i'm dying" he thought "and if i'm not it sure feels like it"
he took off his clothes slowly since his body was still feeling like it was being pushed back and got in the shower, he hesitated but turned the water on, flinching at its coldness and taking a few steps back while it finished heating up
the water flowing made it worse, it was overwhelming, he wouldn't stop having flashbacks of everything bad that had happened to him and he tried hardly not to feel anything and was confused at why he couldn't, thinking about jisoo's breakdown made him realize that what had happened to himself was awful oo and he should have been feeling it instead of repressing it
he felt his eyes itch which made him gasp and touch them, he couldn't cry, he couldn't, it was just not allowed for him, it meant he was feeling and it was his worst fear
he tried breathing and closing his eyes but it was no use, the pain on his chest was getting worse by second and he couldn't take it anymore, he had to do something
he got in the water so he couldn't tell if he was crying or not and shivered slightly at it still not being warm enough "fuck" he whispered
he suddenly imagined his mom saying what jisoo had told him and finally cracked "oh no" he said before feeling his eyes burn and tears leave them
he sniffed hating the feeling but not being able to stop it, he tried so hard to stop and think about other stuff, happy stuff, but the only thing that came to his mind was jisoo's giggles, his face when he slept, the way he acted when he was teased by him, but they suddenly became sad memories, everything looked blue
he could only think about how jisoo would never see him as he saw him, that he was disgusting and a burden
his cries slowly turned into chocked up sobs as he grabbed his chest in pain and hit himself lightly in the leg so he could stop, not wanting jisoo to hear, he really thought he was safe as he tried his best for the other not to hear, but from outside the bathroom it sounded like he was just chocking
jisoo who was sitting on his bed minding his own business furrowed his eyebrows at the sound of someone chocking, at first he thought it was something outside, but then realized it was coming from the bathroom
he sat up quickly with a concerned expression and paced towards the bathroom putting his ear close to the door so he could be sure and confirmed the sound was coming from inside there, he could also hear some skin slapping as if someone was being beaten up so he got scared
he knocked on the door aggressively "jeonghan?" he asked bearly letting out any sound from his mouth, sounding more like a scared cry
the sound stopped for a split second, only for it to sound worse when it continued, that's when he got really concerned "jeonghan, are you okay?" he asked in fright
he didn't earn a response so he started getting even more worried "jeonghan please answer or i'm going to have to come inside against your privacy, i'm just concerned, okay?" he asked and gulped waiting for a reply but could feel something was wrong
he hoped with his whole heart jeonghan was just doing something weird inside and not something bad, it might've been because his patience was running out but after not hearing an immediate response, he tried opening the door realizing it was locked
"what the hell?" he whispered before really panicking "oh my god, JEONGHAN, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR" he shouted worriedly as his mind took him to all sort of horrible scenarios
he ran to his drawer and saw a clip which he used to try and open the lock but it didn't work so he threw it to floor hardly "FUCK" he said desperately and pulled on his hair thinking about what to do
"JEONGHAN OPEN THE DOOR" he yelled as he kicked it and only heard back the noises getting worse
the adrenaline took over "OPEN THE- PLEASE- JUST OPEN-" he pushed it aggressively and kicked it as hard as he could
he grabbed the doorknob and with full force, kicked it watching the handle break as the door flew open making him immediately horrified by the sight
jeonghan was chocking himself with his own hands as he tried to suppress his cries with the water still running, he took off his socks because the floor was damp and ran to him immediately grabbing his hands
he was speechless as he started to hyperventilate and made a horrified expression unsure on what to do while grabbing the other's hands
he shook in fear at the sight of the other not even looking at him with such red eyes and looking like he was about to pass out as he was in a trance "i'm sorry jeonghan, but you would do the same for me" he said panting hardly before grabbing his hands forcefully and pulling them away with all his force, since jeonghan was already weak, he did it easily and watched him in horror as his neck looked purple and green
YOU ARE READING
suck my dick (jihan smvt)
Fanfictionjisoo was pure, jeonghan was determined to change that cw: lot's and lot's of smut lmao
