It was embarrassing to say the least.
It's embarrassing when you just through this whole fit and told everyone you've ever cared about that you are dying.
It's embarrassing when you turn out fine.
The doctor told me the lab work came back as just "bengin lung tumors" which are not life threatening and normally do not have to be taken out, however mine was affecting my breathing so they removed them.
"Oh thank god." My dad had said, putting his head in his hands as the doctor told him the news.
I rolled my head back onto my pillow and looked up at the ceiling. Mom would just have to wait to see me I guess.
It felt like I just made a whole big deal out of nothing. I know I did, I know I acted out on pure fear. Pure fear that I was going to end up just like my mom and have people around me end up like me.
I know I act cool all the time, act like I don't care about anything but I was scared of dying.
I use to always welcome death like an old friend, but when I actually started to get stuff that I could loose, it scared me.
What would happen to Eli, Demetri, or Miguel if I died? I know they would be fine and that scared me.
Everything scared me now. Everything made me jump to conclusions. Everything made me think the worst.
My lip started to quiver lightly and I couldn't help the tears that were forming on the corners of my eyes.
My dad didn't say anything, he just placed his hand on my shoulder. I grabbed his forearm and turned my head towards him. He stood up and looked down at me, tears glistening in his own.
"It's okay." My dad said, his voice wavering lightly. I wrapped my arms around his arm, and cried with my cheek on his bicep.
His chin was on top of my head and I'm sure if I could hear anything over my sobs, I'd hear his own.
"I wanna go home." I cried, clutching my dad a little tighter.
He nodded into my hair, "your aunt said you can go to Reno as soon as you get out."
"No I want to go home." I said looking up at him.
His breath haltered for a second, "you mean that?" He asked. I nodded quickly, biting my lips to keep a choked out sob to come out.
"Okay." My dad said smiling through his tears, "okay."
~~~~
I sunk down in the front seat of my dads car, a flat billed surf hat covering my face as I did.
Dad was still inside talking to the front desk and I was trying not to see anyone I knew.
I was going home and all I wanted to do was sleep on my couch while 10 things I hate about you played in the background. I always wanted to take a shower.
I wanted to lock the door, close the blinds and not answer the door when someone knocked at it.
I couldn't avoid my friends forever but I could try. Miguel would be hard, because he's my neighbor. I could avoid Demetri pretty easily because even if he knew I was out, he was weird about hospital germs. Eli didn't want to see me so that wouldn't be a problem.
My dad came out of the hospital, papers in his hands. He folded them and shoved them in his pocket before walking to the car and getting. "Bullshit. They are charging me for a bandaid I used when I cut myself on the chair." My dad huffed putting the car in reverse.
"That's Americas health care for you." I sighed pulling the hat off my head, and throwing it to the floorboards. "I have health insurance."
Johnny sighed, "they wouldn't take it."
I turned my face away from him and looked out onto the road. I didn't know what to say as I picked at the shirt I was wearing.
"It's not your fault Sage." Dad stated.
