If Not for You (Completed)

Chapter 14: Kale

*Author's note* This chapter contains scenes and situations that may trigger and/or be inappropriate for some readers. Please use discretion.

14 Kale

My meeting with Mo hadn't been catastrophic, but it'd been enough to get my blood pumping. My ribs thundered with every rapid, forceful beat of my heart, and I winced as I pressed a hand over them, watching Kazzi until she had disappeared around the far corner. I couldn't help feeling like that was it between us, and I would never see her again. Standing on the edge of the embankment of the bridge I'd lived almost two years under, I felt as though I'd been left to my old life.

I knew I hadn't been, but the sinking feeling of abandonment was there nonetheless, causing a knot to form in my throat that was painful to swallow down. Kazzi would come back for me. I knew she would. So, why was my heart still racing?

It was all I could do to reign it in as I stomped down the steps onto the lower embankment. Everything came back to me with a rush of memories that all but slapped me in the face. In my mind's eye, I could see myself as a seventeen-year-old kid, meandering across the edge of the Potomac, lost in thought, in dreams, trying to see a better tomorrow that I was convinced would one day come. I could see myself puking my guts out near the far-right pillar, afraid to go to school, but too stubborn to take Meg's advice and drop out. Even though, in the end, I had just stopped going anyway.

How many nights had she sat with me down there? Meg had accepted her plight and never hoped for better. I dreamed of something more but never accepted the possibility. And if I thought about it, I could have had the good life I'd prayed for. With Kazzi. Had I not run away, maybe my life would have become something meaningful. We would have graduated, and I would have saved up to get us a place of our own. Or maybe her rich parents would have bought her an apartment and she'd have welcomed me into it to start our life together. Maybe we would have gotten married, had children, been happy.

But I'd been selfishly pessimistic, consigned to the knowledge that I was never going to be worth more than the hobo I was... that I'd never be able to offer her more than a scrap of trash to lay her head on. I'd been convinced, and so I'd never even tried.

Seeing my old life now, and reminiscing on memories I'd fought to bury, it was all too clear how stupid I'd been. I'd broken Kazzi's heart and thrown away a life's worth of possibilities for a handful of 'what-if's'. How Kazzi could even stand to look at me was a miracle. If she'd ever forgive me remained to be seen as an unlikely maybe.

Swallowing the ever-growing lump in my throat, I entered my old home. The sunlight stopped abruptly at the doorway to leave the room cast in shadows that smelled of musk and mold. All of the plots that had once filled the place had been dismantled and vacated. All except for the one Meg and I had shared. Though her half of it had been cleared out.

Though dust-covered and moth-eaten, my belongings were still in place. My pallet still had the sleeping bag and blankets, and I stilled as something suddenly moved beneath them. Very slowly, I took a few steps forward and yanked back the edge of the top blanket, shrieking as a huge rat squealed at me before running off into the deeper shadows.

Gasping for breath, I pressed a hand to my ribs, my heart thundering as I looked where it had run. I couldn't see it, but its presence had been enough to pound my reality into my head. Those were the conditions I had willingly lived in. How many rats had scurried in the darkness as I slept? How many had walked on me, crapped on my bed? The thought made my skin crawl and my throat burn with vomit that I fought to swallow down. How could I have stood it?

Yet, I had to admit, as I faced it just then, it was almost a comfort. Those surroundings were more familiar to me than any of the luxuries Kazzi's home offered. It was a sad reality to accept. Maybe I could learn to adapt to modern comforts, and maybe I couldn't. Time would tell.