we keep this love in a photograph

Chapter 26

Rosie,

I'm not sure if you were expecting a reply to your letter, but I have some things to say too, and like you said, some things are better said when written down. Also, I kind of like the idea of writing letters too - it makes it feel like I have a little piece of you here with me, even though you're a thousand miles away. It's only been a little over a day, as of the time I'm writing this, so not enough time has passed for me to regale you with any interesting stories about my boring life, so I'll get some things off my chest instead. I'm not good at talking about my feelings - I quite literally would be a therapist's worst nightmare with the amount of boxed up pieces of myself - but I'll try. For you.

There's so much I could say about my life before you. It was dull and lonely and I never had much time for people or even myself. There hasn't been a lot of kindness in my life, or much love either, but there were so many opportunities for intellect. I think I never truly understood how stunted I was in so many ways; it always seemed so normal to me that I would work and study and practice and learn. Days of work without eating or sleeping and the manic episodes of intense focus. I never stopped to appreciate the little things, to learn how much a smile could mean, how much a bunch of flowers and a good coffee were worth, how it felt to feel sick on a Ferris wheel and kiss at a baseball game. I don't say it lightly when I say that you have changed my entire life. I can appreciate the beauty in the simple things now.

I know I'm not an easy person to love and I don't love easily either. I know you know that - hell, even the fortune cookies knew it - but I need to clear some things up. When we met, I was having a hard time, stumbling through life, not knowing how to manage it all or knowing where I fit. It's more pressure than I let on - the business and the family and that feeling of inadequacy. I never had much time for love, not much time for dates or not much interest; I've been told I'm too emotionally distant for anything more than a one night stand (please let me know if you concur) but I guess I was wrong. It rarely happens, but I was wrong and you were right; you just have to find the right person. I'm glad I didn't let my aversion for letting anyone in my space turn you away from my table that day.

Rosie, it's almost been a week since you've gone. I haven't sent this letter yet, so I thought I'd add this on while I wait for the mailing address. I spoke to you just a few hours ago while I was having lunch with my mom. You and I both know how big of a deal that is. I'm sure I'll tell you all about it tomorrow or the next day, but I thought I'd put it down here too. You told me not to let her guilt me into anything, but honestly, I do feel guilty. It's not something she's made me feel, but I guess there was just a lot more going on than I remembered from my childhood. I don't remember much of it but I told you about my father and the kind of man he was, but I guess I just never imagined my mom was put into some bad situations, and that she did the best she could. Maybe she's been trying for a lot longer than I thought, just in a way that I could never see. I don't know.

It makes me think though. Maybe I've been selfish in the way I just up and left, or a little harsh, but I know I did it for myself, so it's okay. It makes me think of you, and the bad situations you've been put into for the sake of a couple of stories. People get hurt all the time over there, and I know it's not in you to be selfish but I want you to know that it's okay if you only save one person, and it's okay if that person is yourself. I know it's selfish, but if it comes down to it, saving yourself is always the right decision.

I think I'll leave it there for now. We'll talk soon and I'll send you your care package as soon as I can get it all together. Who knows when it'll reach you with this letter, but know that even though it might take a week or a month, I'll be thinking of you always. I love you. Too many days without you here has left me knowing it without a shadow of a doubt.

Love always,
Jennie