we keep this love in a photograph

Chapter 47

To Rosie,

I wish you'd been here last night. It was the Christmas Party, and by the time you read this you'll have already heard about everything that happened, but it felt strange. My mother swallowed her pride and apologised weeks ago - with the ring and everything (I can send it to you if you want, but I'd like to put it on you myself) - but I guess I was still nursing my own hurt feelings, even though I'd already forgiven her. But I swallowed my pride this time and went over to her and we talked and it didn't feel the way it used to. It wasn't infuriating and snarky and sarcastic; I think we've both grown a lot since my brother died.

It was actually nice, and if you said that to me a year ago, it would've been the worst thing in the world to think I'd ever make myself so small and meek that I could enjoy my mom's company, but now I know that I didn't have to compromise myself to get here. If anything, she's the one who's compromised, and maybe she's always been this person and wasn't able to be it around my dad, but I think she's a mom that I would've liked to have had growing up.

For now, we're both trying to move past it all, and Taeyeon's even going to therapy, which is something I would never have imagined her doing. I can't help but laugh at how contradictive I feel now though, because I told you that you should go to therapy when you get home to work through it all, but when my mom suggested that I start going too, I knew I wouldn't. I don't know if I ever told you, but I've gone before and I didn't find it helpful because I couldn't bring myself to admit everything to a stranger. I've always been too vulnerable to let myself be vulnerable with someone else, if that makes sense. I think I have things I need to work on with myself though, and it's not going to work if I don't try and work on them in some way, but I've come a long way from where I was and looking back, I'm happy. Happier than I can ever remember being - broken hand and all.

I've been thinking a lot about my relationships with other people lately. You told me that I need people - people that were mine and not just ones that have come from our relationship - and I think you were right. Obviously things with my mom will always be a little bumpy, but I've also decided to make more of an effort making friends. Really, it's just Jisoo, and maybe it doesn't really count because she's a work colleague, but I've known her for a few years now and she's followed me across the country and been as close to a friend as I've had in a long while - your annoying sister and her wonderful girlfriend aside - and it's been nice to do things outside of work. Look at me, making some sort of life for myself for you.

But that's a whole other tangent, because what I've actually been thinking about is how different things would've been if I hadn't met you. What if I'd decided to stay in my office that day instead of taking a rare break? What if you'd come in for coffee half an hour earlier and been able to find an empty table? We never would have met. I like to think that we would've in some way - maybe not that day, but a different one, on the street or in another coffee shop where we would've bumped into each other and just known. I think this because I don't want to imagine a world where we didn't meet; all I can think of is that if I'd missed you that day, missed that smile you gave me, I would have missed the rest of my life.

You know, sometimes I forget how much I've changed since I met you. They say you can't change someone by loving them, but that's not true. I guess what they mean to say is that you can't force someone to change if they don't want to, but you can definitely change someone with love. I'm grateful for it. I don't really know what kind of person I was before - I don't think I was much of one - but I know I prefer the one I am now. You make me a better person, and that's a fact. I was so alone for the longest time that, for a while, I used to think I was undeserving of love and I got good at being alone, and I would tell myself it was because I wasn't built to be around someone else. That wasn't true though, because the moment I met you, your smile changed everything, and the moment your hand first slipped into mine, it was like my hands knew they were made to only hold your hands, and the first time we kissed it was like my lips were only made to kiss only yours. Anyway, I keep thinking about all these things and I realise that I was wrong, although I hate to admit it. It's not that I was ever undeserving of love, it was the exact opposite; I just had to find the people who wanted to love me. I truly feel like I found those people with you. I think you can understand that more than anyone, how much it means to have someone want you when you have no one left.

This letter got depressing very fast. I'm sorry. Anyway, the whole point is I underestimated you and your fortune cookies of love, and since that moment, I have learnt to never underestimate anything ever again. Which is probably why, with everything going on in my life at the moment, I've been thinking about the past a lot. I guess I underestimated a lot of things that have happened – well, how much these things have affected me. I think most of all, I underestimated my mom. I know she never meant to hurt me – it doesn't change the fact that she did, but I underestimated how much she loved me because I made it so hard for her to show it. Thank you for pushing me to try and fix things with her. We haven't really solved anything, and we've taken a few steps backwards, but I feel like I've changed enough to want to work through this, which is something I've never wanted to do. Even over the past few months, I have a sneaking suspicion that I was just waiting for the chance to self-sabotage this whole thing, because if I'm being honest, I'm still scared about having a normal relationship with her. You'd think it'd be easy, after all, I get along great with your mom, but I guess what frightens me the most is that this is my mom.

I just wish you were here to talk about all of this with me. Being able to see your face on a screen and hear your voice is the best part of my day, but it's just not the same. I miss you more and more every day, but it only brings me closer to seeing you again. I love you.

Jennie x