we keep this love in a photograph

Chapter 31

Rosie,

I'm having a hard time writing this one, as I sit in my old bedroom at the desk I spent so many hours studying and inventing, in the room I used to hide in while I imagined all the ways I'd escape this house one day. Somehow, I've ended up back here and it's caught me off-guard. I don't know if it's good or not. The thought of you keeps me distracted from that rabbit hole though, and as I sit here and write this letter, I consider myself lucky; the girl that used to sit in this chair never imagined a future where she'd have someone she loved enough to make being in this house bearable, because she'd be thinking of her while writing letters.

I worry though. I've never been one to worry about much because it always seemed so simple to me; if I didn't like something, I got rid of it or fixed it. There was never anything to worry about, never a problem I couldn't fix or something I wanted that was out of reach. Maybe I'm too spoilt, and maybe I'd be able to bear it better if I wasn't, but I worry about you every second of the day. To be honest, I'm terrified. Those two days you went radio silent gave me a new perspective of life, and it wasn't a good one. For almost two days, I was slapped with the very real possibility of a world without you, and I finally know what real fear is.

I finally understand what love is too, and I'm convinced it's the bravest thing you can ever do. It takes so much faith because you never know what can happen, you just have to hope that it'll last forever, and I'm not good at hoping, but I'm trying really hard for you. I'm trying really hard with my mom too, and I think that's because of how much I love you and how much you love Clare, and seeing what it's like to be surrounded by love. I'm learning that there are different kinds and Taeyeon loves in the capacity that she's able to, so maybe it's not all bad. It still scares the shit out of me though. I don't know if I'll ever be able to give it as freely as you do but I can only try.

So, while I try over here, you have to try for me too - you have to try and stay out of trouble. I know you always say you're fine when we talk, but I also know there are things you won't tell me and it hurts my heart to think of all the things you keep to yourself. When you read this and we talk, I know we'll pretend again that everything's fine, but I want you to know it's okay to be honest too. I know the reality of it is worse than I can even imagine, but you'll be home soon. That's something, isn't it? It almost sounds like I'm being optimistic; isn't that a funny thing. I think I worry and miss you too much for any real optimism though. Hurry up and come home to me, I'll be waiting impatiently.

Love always,
Jennie xxx