we keep this love in a photograph

Chapter 67

It took Jennie until the sun was fully up to allow her mom to coax her from her car and into the dark house. The key shook in her hand as she fitted it into the lock and opened it, the yawning silence and emptiness feeling foreboding, and she had to stand on the threshold for another ten minutes, Taeyeon standing behind her, exercising her patience until Jennie took that first step over the lip of the door.

Slowly setting her bag down on the bench in the foyer, Jennie kicked off her shoes and moved through the house, switching on lights as Taeyeon trailed after her. Standing in the middle of the open kitchen and dining room, Jennie was dimly aware of her mom using the coffee machine, the rattle of biscuits in the dog bowl and running water, the back door letting in a gust of fresh air to sweep away the staleness of the untouched house. It was pristine, Eve having been there in her absence, but it didn't feel like home.

Shooed upstairs to shower and changed into something clean, Jennie came back down to a cup of black coffee and her mom staring into an empty fridge. Sipping her coffee as she cradled the cup and let the heat seep into her cold fingers, she felt the tiniest bit better, soft-skinned and pink- cheeked and clean. While she sipped her coffee, Taeyeon sat before her laptop and put in a grocery order to be delivered before she shepherded Jennie into the front living room.

"How about we play chess?" she suggested.

Shrugging, Jennie flopped down on the sofa, in front of the black pieces, and let her mom make the first move. It was the most engagement she'd shown in an activity in two weeks but she still lost the first game, and then the second and third. Under normal circumstances her mom would've chastised her for not putting in enough effort, for not running through sequences ahead of time or thinking a move through, but Taeyeon seemed pleased that she was at least making the effort to do something. They played for a couple of hours, until the groceries were delivered and Taeyeon went to put it all away. Jennie helped, silently shoving lettuce and zucchinis and carrots into the correct spots, dimly wondering what her mom was going to do with them seeing as neither of them could cook.

She heard her on the phone to Clare a while after that as she watered the herbs in the garden, keeping her voice down while Jennie made herself another cup of coffee and tried to eavesdrop. Guilt ate away at her, embarrassment flushing her pallid cheeks pink as she shifted from foot to foot, but she was too proud to even mention it to her mother and quickly vanished up to her office after that.

Pacing the length of the brownstone as she nursed her coffee, Jennie ran her fingertips along the spines of the books lining the shelves and came to a sudden stop as she hit the thick spine of a battered paperback. It was the first book that Rosie had ever lent her, the pages fuzzy with Rosie's tears, quotes highlighted in neon yellow and the corners dog-eared. Jennie had kept the movie tickets from their first date to see Pride and Prejudice inside it, tucked away somewhere safe and meaningful, a first within another first, and it gave her pause as she stared at it. The irrational side of her grief wanted to take the book and tear it in half but the rest of her wanted to cradle it in her trembling hands and let her own tears soak into the ink, blurring it some more with her own heartbreak.

Scrubbing a hand over her face, Jennie walked over to her desk and flopped down onto the seat, purposely avoiding looking at the framed photo of Rosie on her desk as she reached out and set it face-down, knowing her resolve to keep it together for the rest of the day would fail abysmally if she looked. Opening the desk drawer, Jennie stared impassively down at the collection of envelopes nestled in there, months worth, a relationship worth. There was one more to add to it - the last one - but that could wait for another day.

Sitting there, staring at the pile of letters and knowing there wouldn't be anymore, Jennie wished for one more. Just one more letter. Maybe also one more breakfast, one more lunch and one more dinner. One more hug, one more kiss and the sound of her laughter just once more. Waking up beside her once more, and going to bed beside her at night. One more day. She wanted one more of everything, enough to make that moment suspend indefinitely so she would never have to get to the point where she said goodbye, where she had to let Rosie go. Again, just more time. Just one more time.