we keep this love in a photograph

Chapter 45

Dear Jennie,

I've been in Afghanistan for sixteen hours now and all I've thought about is the overwhelming loss of you beside me. Two weeks seems like such a short time to have changed so much but it was long enough for me to get used to waking up beside you, to kissing you when I feel like it and hearing you laugh. And now it feels like a different life, already so long ago that the thought of another four months without you feels like a personal hell designed just for me.

The only consolation for me now is that, hopefully, it wasn't as bad for you this time. They tell me it doesn't get any easier, but I think someone who's so used to their own company might find it easier to adjust back. I just hope you don't feel lonely.

There's still so much we didn't get to talk about when I was home, firstly, being my future in the army. Honestly, I think you only cared about how I'm not going back, and I don't blame you, but I like my job, I really do. All I wish now is that it was already over so that we could start our future together. I didn't tell you when I was home, but I think that future might still be in journalism for me. I think I was a bit too harsh when I said I didn't have it in me to write puff pieces about fashion trends, but that was me trivialising what goes on in America because I was angry at what goes on over here. There are injustices everywhere; why should I give up on writing about them just because I'll be doing it out of uniform. Who knows, maybe I'll have more liberty to speak about what I want to. I think I'm sick of writing the stories I have to, boring facts about places and people and numbers - maybe I'd like to write about 'who wore it best at this year's Met Gala' for a change.

My point is, we didn't get to talk about our future much, but I want you to know I've given it a lot of thought, even if you haven't. And don't worry, none of it is concrete and I'm not going to be uncompromising. I just think I'm not as scared at the prospect of this chapter of my life coming to an end as I'd thought I would be. I've had a few months since that first fight about it to come to terms with the fact that I'm too young to have it all figured out anyway. Maybe Taeyeon is right in that regard, but I am sure about you, even if nothing else. The thought of us, together, in our own house with our dog and a couple of kids, enjoying life, seems almost too good to be true. I sometimes have to pinch myself to check if you're real and not some dream, especially out here in the middle of nowhere. It's late right now, the same stars overhead and it makes me think of you and what you're doing.

It's cold here. The desert is surprisingly cold. I feel like that's something one should know, but the first time I wasn't prepared for it, and even now it's cold enough for me to think of you, wrapped up together in bed, and the thought warms me a little. Not as much as you would, but you're there and I'm here and we'll have to wait for that. It doesn't seem fair that we'll miss out on so much together over the next few weeks, that our first Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year will be spent apart, and how I bet you've never even really celebrated them properly. But I'm glad you have Alice and Ashley and Clare, because I know they'll look after you while I'm away, and it's a nice thought to know that while you can't have me, you still have a family. I know it's always been a difficult point for you, but you'll never have to be alone again, with or without me there, but I hope it'll never be without me again. Keep my heart safe - I left it with you.

Love always,
Rosie xxx