we keep this love in a photograph

Chapter 60

Somewhere in the infinite stretch of time between when Jennie's world had fallen apart and when she gained awareness of her surroundings again, she had stopped crying, exhaustion making her body incapable of another heaving sob, another tear or hiccuping breath. Sitting on the floor at the base of the wall, she stared dead-eyed ahead, seeing nothing and feeling empty.

Alice was similarly spent and her voice was hollow as she explained in fits and starts, her voice cracking and words stuttering in between audible swallows, the story that Clare had told her over the phone. Her Commander at Fort Falcon, Hank Williams, was the one who'd shown up at Clare's house in Portland, just around lunchtime, with a public affairs representative too - knowledge of her engagement to Jennie requiring certain precautions - to break the news to her mother. It had been an airstrike, they said, killing her in action in the Sangin Province while reporting on a recent skirmish with British troops. The airstrike killed eleven soldiers - two rifle squads, Rosie and her photojournalist friend, Jaehyun, and the squad leader.

Jennie couldn't even bring herself to remotely care about the other ten; she only cared about the one. The one that had shattered her heart to pieces and torn her world apart. She'd been dead for hours before Jennie had even known, and she craved that ignorance bliss again, she wanted to bask in that happy glow of knowing her fiancée would be home in a few short days. Only, now she wouldn't be coming home at all. Just an empty box in an empty grave, based on Alice's next words to fall on Jennie's deaf ears.

"They- they found them ... the- the bodies. Or ... what was left of them, at least. Not all- some weren't ... identifiable. Too- too close to the blast, so ... they were- hers was ... there's nothing. Nothing left. They found her ... her tags. They can't- that's all- all that was ... left of her."

Stomach twisting with nausea, Jennie curled in on herself as she let out a sharp breath, snatched from her lungs as her chest ached painfully. She couldn't make a noise, could barely breathe. Jennie didn't even know what time it was, what day it was, the house dark and cold as she sat on the floor, only that her throat was dry and her eyes were sore and her stomach hurt. And all of that paled in comparison to the way her heart felt like it was going to give out, the vivid image of Alice's halting explanation painted in her mind as clear as day, like one of the bad dreams she'd been plagued by for months. Only there was no waking up this time.

It was all she could think about, her mind feeling, the world shrinking and widening in a nauseating, turbulent manner that left Jennie feeling like she was on a boat, pitching from side to side. Her mind was blurry at the edges and she could feel the sharp pain in her chest as her throat constricted, but couldn't make sense of much else. It was almost like she was catatonic, her body frozen while her mind played a film reel of horrors.

Even the sound of a phone ringing wasn't enough to break her out of her numb state of shock, Alice's broken, sobbing words incomprehensible to her as she broke the news to Ashley in the briefest terms before dissolving into tears and hanging up. Jennie just turned her head aside, resting her temple against the wall as she stared ahead with a vacant look on her face, her throat painfully tight as she blocked out Alice. She was too numb to cry again, too tired and broken to even make another sound.

She wasn't sure how long she sat there, blinking occasionally, breathing slowly, shallowly, before the front door opened and slammed shut, frantic footsteps squeaking on the herringbone floors before Ashley was falling to her knees beside Alice. Jennie was dimly aware that she was crying, her voice thick and hoarse as she held Alice, the two women quietly talking in between sobs while Jennie tuned it out, stubborn and immovable. Even when Ashley coaxed Alice to her feet and then reached down for Jennie, grabbing her biceps and attempting to haul her up, Jennie couldn't bring herself to move. Try as Ashley might, Jennie couldn't make her limbs work, couldn't make her body respond to anything other than its base need for oxygen.