we keep this love in a photograph

Chapter 52

Dear Rosie,

I'm trying to be patient, really, I am, but we're only halfway through your deployment and I've never been good at not getting what I want and my patience is wearing thin. It feels like it was only last week that I last saw you but at the same time it feels like forever, and the thought of another two months sounds like hell and way too long before I get to hold you again. You know, sometimes I forget you're not actually here, that maybe you're calling me on your lunch break out on base and you'll be home soon and we'll have dinner with Alice and Ashley and you'll rush in late and claim that empty fourth chair.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself to convince myself that you're not just a dream because it feels so strange that you're not there that I must have made you up. It's silly to think that after all this time I'm still not used to being away from you when I was so good at being alone before; it's even worse that it only took me a second to get used to having you around. I think that's the worst part, that I was okay being alone and then everything went from zero to a hundred so fast that I couldn't imagine being without you and then I had to be.

I shouldn't dwell on the bad things though because we're almost halfway! I don't think I've ever looked forward to something so much in my entire life. When you're back, I'm going to make sure we celebrate everything that we missed. Christmas, New Year, your birthday, Valentine's Day. We'll have a full day celebrating everything together. You've turned me into someone who is trying to have a positive outlook on life - look! So many things to look forward to, and I can't wait to do them all with you.

I just got off the phone with you before sitting down to write this letter, and you asked if I could ever imagine not meeting you and I said no. That's not the truth though because I can imagine it, or more specifically, I've already lived it. Without you I was alone and closed off and it's strange how one person can change all of that for me. Maybe I always wanted a reason to not be like the way I am, and you were that reason I was waiting for. It's times like these where I think about the butterfly effect and if there's any scientific truth behind it, but I guess you were my butterfly. Sorry if that sounds kind of weird, but it's true. You were the thing that triggered a series of events that altered my entire life.

Sure, you could argue it was my brother. What he did made me CEO, which gave me the option to move HQ out to San Francisco, where I met you, but I think if I hadn't met you, I would have just been alone in a different city. I strongly believe it was you and you alone, and maybe my mom would've reached out and I would've forgiven her anyway, and maybe I would've made an effort to know Jisoo as more than my CFO, but the truth is that things wouldn't have worked out the way they have now. I would've pushed them away eventually. But you - you were what I needed and what I wanted, and I have never once wanted what we have to end. You're perfect, Rosie. You're the one part of my life that I've never doubted, even when we've been through enough things that have made us doubt where things were headed. No matter what, I'm completely sure of us. I just want you to know that.

I love you always.
Jennie xx