we keep this love in a photograph

Chapter 30

Clare stayed an extra day before returning to Portland and her small town of patients and life resumed much as it had for the past three weeks, with Jennie slogging through each day, trying to make the most of it and failing miserably. The palpable tension between the trio left back in San Francisco eased up by the end of the following week, the danger feeling like it had passed - for the time being - and life resuming, much as it had before.

Jennie wrote letters to Rosie and slipped them into care packages filled with toothpaste and candy and extra sunscreen and new socks. She slumped on the sofa, staring at eddying dust tumbling across the hardwood floor as she whittled away at the chunks of time she was left alone, Athena staring dolefully at her as the TV droned on and she drank glasses of limoncello and vodka, the sticky heat of July giving way to August's cooler days.

Halfway through the month, she took a business trip to Hong Kong, messing up her sleep schedule to talk to Rosie at their usual time for the few days she was there before closing a deal and heading straight back to San Francisco. After days of deliberating, Jennie convinced Jisoo to arrange a meeting with the Human Resources manager to give her staff a raise, earning a small kernel of satisfaction at the act and inviting Jisoo out to dinner with Alice and Ashley in a spontaneous, almost unheard of gesture of friendship.

The days still blurred together though, her waking hours consisting of a sort of murkiness, in the dim place between the real world and dreams. She tried hiking by herself, driving the Porsche out through the immense, arid mountains, their sprawling bulk dominating the skyline in shades of sage green and umber, desert shrubs and native trees crowding along the side of the rodes and the sloping hills, Athena eagerly adventuring off ahead of her until Jennie felt lost and sunburnt and turned back. She never did figure out where Rosie had taken her that one time. During a particularly bad storm, she sat outside on the back patio and let the rain soak into her clothes as she listened to old moody music blaring through the open kitchen door and watched lightning arc across the sky, the rain deliciously warm and cleansing the city before she watched a gleaming pink sunrise appear once the storm broke.

All in all, Jennie was bored. She'd never felt bored before, never had those moments of reprieve from work and the weight of her baggage to have time for herself, and now that she did, she struggled to find ways to fill it. Work was always there, waiting for her, but she was making a conscious effort to leave the office, to take days off and delegate her work to others and take advantage of the time to figure out the things a twenty-four year old should have been. For so long, Jennie felt like she'd skipped ahead of her life, missing the young years where she should have been making mistakes and patching them up and repeating it all over again. She should have been confused about her career and living in a shitty apartment and planning on going home for Thanksgiving, but she lingered in the city with her daily coffee and walks through the streets, keeping to her own odd hours as she allowed Rosie's family to slot in around her schedule.

September was on the verge of arriving, the turn of the seasons bringing a burst of colour to the trees, the warm hues of autumn brought out in the brownstones and the reddish bricks that comprised the older parts of San Francisco. The days still held the amber warmth of sunshine but there was a cooler edge to them, the air not quite as stifling and the sky not quite cerulean anymore. Jennie had a trip to Seattle booked for a launch of the latest J Corporations operating system and was sitting behind her desk at the office, teeth worrying at her red bottom lip as she hesitated, frowning down at her phone.

It took her over an hour before she finally decided to bite the bullet and press the name of the last woman she could imagine herself turning to for help. And yet, some part of her had decided to give it a try. For all that Taeyeon had told her, Jennie had decided recently that she would no longer hold resentment or blame towards her mother for the things Taeyeon had never been able to control. It had been weeks of frustrated talks with Ashley over wine for her to accept that she couldn't change the past, only understand why she felt the way she did and how to help herself despite it. Calling her was the first decisive choice Jennie had made of her own free will. It was no surprise when her mother picked up after two rings.