Dear Derek

Chapter 94 (Derek)

"Hav you talked to her? Please tell me you've talked to her."

I sat down at the kitchen island, right across from Mer. She was reading "Surgical Digest" a corny magazine where egotistical surgeons brag about their accomplishments. "Unfortunately she left way before I got up this morning. Sorry honey." she replied, sipping her coffee.

"I'm worried about her Mer. She hasn't eaten or spoken to anyone."

She put down her magazine and stared me in the eyes. "I know. I'm worried about her too, it's just at this specific time, I don't think there is much we CAN do."

She stood up and took her coffee mug to the sink. I followed her. "Mer?"

"Yes?" she asked, turning around.

"Do you know what even happened? I asked Link, Jo, Maggie, Teddy, etc. No one knew why she's so distraught."

"I don't Derek I'm sorry." she sighed, walking to the living room.

"Promise me, if you see her at work, you'll try to talk to her?"

"Pinky swear."

She held out her hand and I took it. She leaves in for a kiss and then she was out the door.

+++

I wondered the hospital for awhile, looking in every room, hoping to find Amy. After three circles around the hospital, I gave up and laid down on the couch in the attendings' lounge. "Rough day?" I heard a voice come from the doorway.

I quickly sat up, quite embarrassed of my poor public etiquette. Teddy smiled as she walked towards me. I sat up straight and yawned. "I'm okay it's just I've been looking all day for Amelia."

"Really? Her name is on the surgical board. I'm pretty sure she's in OR three."

"Are you serious?!" I asked.

"Wanna go see?" she laughed.

I followed her out into the busy hall. Sure enough Amelia's name was written under OR three. I thanked Teddy and thought about what I was  going to say. I opened the door and headed inside.

To my surprise when I went to go scrub in, I was not greeted by Amelia. Richard was standing in front of me. "Derek? What are you doing in here?"

"Sorry Richard...I'm looking for my sister. It says she's in here. Damn it, I must've read the board wrong."

His mad expression faded and turned into a small frown. He sighed. "You didn't read the board wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"Your sister came in early this morning and told me you would be looking for her. She took the day off and wrote her name in where all my surgeries were to make you believe she was here."

"Do you have any idea where she is?"

"I'm afraid not...sorry Derek."

I turned around and headed out the door. I tore my gloves off and headed out of the hospital. Where was she? I kept wondering.

I walked in the neighborhood for awhile. My fingers started to ache from the cold and my hair was covered in snow. I was determined to find Amelia.

After what felt like countless hours, I found myself at a little park just down the boulevard. I walked over to a bench and wiped all the snow off of it. The sun was almost gone now and the cold pinched my face even more than before. I began to shiver uncontrollably. "After awhile your body gets used to it." a voice echoed in the darkness.

I turned my head to the left. Underneath the street lamp, Amelia stood tall.

I stood up and bolted over to her. I hugged her so tight I knew she couldn't probably breathe. I let her go and smiled. "Where have you been I've been so worried?"

"Thinking." she replied.

"Thinking?"

"Yea, thinking."

She began to trot away from me. I followed her a few feet down until we came to a fork in the trail. A bech laid covered in snow. She used her sleeve to wipe it clean and she sat down. She patted the bench to gesture me to sit next to her. I did. We sat in silence for what felt like a whole lifetime. "You know when you like died or whatever, it was hard." she finally spoke.

"I can't even imagine." I replied, watching the snow fall.

"You know, I had to be okay because Meredith...she was a disaster. She had 2 kids, one on the way and no husband."

"I know, I know."

"I had to be there for her because no one else in that damn hospital who was immensely close to Mer had to deal with their spouse dying. I had to be there for her and teach her how to cope. It brought back so many bad memories I almost killed myself." she confessed, staring at her feet.

I grabbed her hand. "Amelia...I don't even know what to say."

"See that's the problem. No one ever knows what to say. Out of our whole family, I was ALWAYS considered the weakest link. Everyone knew it. Everyone but me. It took me so many pills and many toxic men to make me realize they were right. I thought I could be something more, but they were right. I was a weak, nobody and always be."

I watched as the street lamp slightly lightened her face. I watched tears gushed out of her eyes. I turned to her and stared into her watery  eyes. "Amelia look at me, your not weak."

"Yes I am." she cried, nuzzling her face into my coat.

I picked her head up and waited til she looked at me again. "Amelia you're not weak. What happened with Ryan was horrible, but it got you to get clean. If you weren't clean you wouldn't have a beautiful, healthy baby boy and a loving boyfriend. Losing your baby wouldn't have made you realize how you truly longed to be a mother and it helped you realize there could be more to life than work. When everyone was lost after I died, you helped bring them back together. Your kind heart knew you could help others in a time of crisis while putting your own feelings on the back burner. That's not weak Amelia, that's strength."

She wiped her tears with her sleeve and smiled. "Really?"

I smiled back. "Really. Amelia Shepherd, I am proud to be your big brother and to call you my role model."

She laughed and gave me a hug. "Can we go home now?" I asked.

"Yes let's go home."

She stood up and put out her hand. I grabbed it and we walked together side by side into the dark night.

+++

When we arrived back at home, I had Mer run Amelia a warm bath. After, we got into our pjs and sat by the fire, reminiscing about old memories and catching up. Her smile lit up for every conversation. As we kept talking, it felt like the hole in our timeline was finally filled. Eventually it got late and she called it a night. She kissed my cheek and thanked me for helping her.

To be honest, I never asked her why she was so upset. Amelia was happy and I realized that until the day is over, it can always be remembered for something else...so why remember it for something bad?

| thanks for reading!! |

i'm so glad ur still reading and i hope ur enjoying. i'm rlly trying to write more, but school and work just rlly keep me busy. i promise to continue to write and not leave y'all in the dark, but u must b patient. i love y'all sm and i hope the start of ur new year is going great! cheers to 2022!! <3

stay swag 😎,
~ jules :)