An Almost Lan

Chapter 7

A/N: AU and OOC, just a reminder.

Thank you for your votes and comments, they really encourage me!

Thanks to @CALActorsTypist on Twitter for editing this.

Warning: It came out not so explicit, but here it is.

A/N: Some of you who had read my other stories know I usually use songs' titles as chapter's titles. When it happens the song IS related to the chapter and I used it as an inspiration while writing. This time is not like that. I found the song AFTER I wrote the chapter, but it fits my head cannon so perfectly that I had to include it here.

The song is "Set Me On Fire" by Estelle.

To say she was surprised by his declaration was the understatement of the fucking century! Lan Qiren a virgin? The fuck? Her...new husband a virgin? Her mind was running like a freaking hamster in a proverbial wheel. How?! Why?! What the fuck?!

He noticed she had stayed silent and pensive inadvertently as her mind kept running in circles and finally snapping out of her reverie she perceived a worried expression marring her husband's countenance and it was definitely not acceptable. Forgoing any attempt of restraint or even a mockery of respectable behavior, she blurted out: "Why?" She seemed to have given up any resemblance of brain-to-mouth filter, letting her curiosity win against her good judgment and politeness.

He looked...nervous? Ashamed? Both? It was unacceptable because she never meant to make him uncomfortable or put him on the spot. Damn! She was ruining this! She felt so frustrated. Usually, she had better control of what she actually let out of his mouth. She had made tongue-control an art.

"I..." he hesitated, obviously nervous. She watched him rubbing his hands awkwardly.

"You don't owe me an explanation," she interrupted him, trying very poorly to make him feel at ease and failing spectacularly.

"Of course I do. You're my wife!" He exclaimed, vehemently and she couldn't remain unmoved by it.

Something unknown softened inside her. He was taking her into account. He was acknowledging her and her feelings, and it was new to her. Like discovering a hidden part of herself. Like noticing for the first time after a really long period that she...mattered.

"I," he went on, "I was still a student back then, when I received the company and my nephews to be under my watch. I had never planned to be responsible for the company or them, I was unprepared. Then I just had no time to pursue a relationship," he said while his cheeks tainted with a light blush.

Of course, she thought, he was not the kind to seek sexual relief just for the sake of it. There would have to be within the boundaries of a relationship for him to even try it. In all honesty, she didn't know if she should feel endeared or to pity him because it was so unfair on so many levels to him.

"I see," it was all she managed to say. She didn't want to embarrass him. If anything, she wanted to hold him, to tell him that she was there for him. Whatever it might mean. Whatever he might need because she was his wife now.

"I'm afraid you won't... I..." he hesitated and she had never imagined him being insecure. Ever. "I don't want to disappoint you," he was being endearingly soft, and she couldn't...she just couldn't deal with it because he was being...something she couldn't even begin to fathom. She just...

"Come here," she requested. It was not charity, it was not pity fucking. She just wanted...she wanted to feel desired just for once. She just wanted to be there, to be enough. Just for once, she didn't want to be the poor substitute of a ghost.