An Almost Lan

Chapter 32

A/N: AU and OOC, just a reminder.

Thank you for your votes and comments, they really encourage me!

Thanks to @CALActorsTypist on Twitter for editing this, remaining errors are all mine.

Wei Ying looked at Lan Zhan, his eyes widened in surprise and a look of incredulity dawned on his face.

"What?! Then, why?" He wanted to know.

"I..." Lan Zhan hesitated. He looked a bit confused and afraid of letting the truth come to light. Gathering his wits, he took a deep breath and went on.

"I was young and foolish, I..." a lump formed in his throat, he swallowed visibly. "I dreamt you'd become a Lan when..."

"When?" Wei Ying urged him to continue. This was the time to know why. He had tortured himself to no end wondering why. He needed closure.

"When you marry me," Lan Zhan confessed, his voice dripping with mortification as he talked, refusing to look at Wei Ying's face.

"Why didn't you explain it to me?!" Wei Ying exclaimed, "I've spent years thinking over what I could have possibly done wrong! I thought I had offended you, or I besmirched the Lan family name or something," he said, sounding agitated.

"I acted in haste, letting go of my restraint that night is the biggest regret of my life, Wei Ying," Lan Zhan explained to him, "after that..."

"What happened, Lan Zhan?" Wei Ying urged him again, prodding for a complete explanation.

"I didn't know how to apologize, how to take it back. I was afraid of opening my mouth again. It became...impossible. So terrifying. I couldn't speak about it, not with my therapist or with Lan Huan. I just couldn't give a proper explanation to Uncle Qiren or even to A-Li. I just couldn't. I'm so sorry."

At that point Lan Zhan seemed to be on the verge of tears. Barely keeping it together, and making a visible effort to finally tell the truth. It looked like he was experiencing physical pain.

"Why didn't you reach out later?" Wei Ying asked, hurt evident on his face.

"I tried, my god, how I tried. I couldn't. I just couldn't. It became paralyzing for me every time I tried to come clean to anyone. Over time, I was able to tell my therapist. We have been working on it for years," he confessed.

"Do you know why it was so difficult for you?" Wei Ying asked in a low voice.

"First of all, because I hurt you. You could be a Lan right now, fully protected by the family name, your future completely secured," he said, it looked like he was struggling to keep his voice steady. "Then, I felt that... what I was feeling was something wrong... forbidden. You are my brother after all."

"But I'm not," Wei Ying interrupted him, in a vehement tone.

"What?!" Lan Zhan asked, surprised by Wei Ying's outburst.

"I am not your brother," Wei Ying emphasized.

"But..." Lan Zhan tried to protest.

"We are not related neither by blood nor by name," Wei Ying stated slowly, like trying to convince Lan Zhan of this truth.

"Wei Ying, we grew up together in the same household," he whispered, uncertain.

"And that doesn't make us real brothers," he stressed the word. He huffed, looking a bit exasperated. Carding his fingers through his hair, like he didn't know what else to do with his hands, he turned towards Lan Zhan and said.