*trigger warning, thoughts/ action/ mention of sewer slide*
"My heart feels empty my mind is numb I feel content and lost at the same time, I know what I want from my life but then again I could not be more unsure."
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His skin had grown fragile during all his time without sports. The concrete under his hands tugged at his skin and threatened to break it as he gripped the walls that kept him from the falling to his doom from the hospital roof. The wind howled in his ears and and tossed his hair as his eyes gazed down into the world below.
He was angry. He was angry and jealous of those people who didn't have his problems. Blood trickled from his fingers when he curled his hands into his fists because none of this was fair, just when he felt the hope bubble in his chest it was diminished too quickly.
His heart was filled with anger, and when he tried to blink away the tears they just kept coming. He longed for a run, he longed for the feeling of his muscles rippling with every step and his heart pumping out of his chest as he pushed on. He wanted his life back. He didn't want the pain in his leg anymore, he didn't want this illness to eat away at his life anymore he wanted it all to end.
"Newt!" his eyes shot open and he found himself standing on the ledge. The wind ripped at his clothes and threatened to throw him over the edge. His arms were outstretched on each side of him, as if he were a bird about to take flight. It would be so easy to end it here. End it now. So easy. People were gathering down below, waiting to see if he would meet his end here.
"Newt. Get down from there." he didn't even know who was talking to him. He didn't know because it didn't matter anymore. Every thing hurt, and he just wanted it all to stop. His body swayed with the wind, and with one gust, it would be enough to send his frail body toppling to his doom. He didn't answer the voice, couldn't find a good enough reason to.
"What about Thomas, Newt?" they said again. Something sparked in his chest then, and he looked over his shoulder and saw Teresa. How she even knew that he was there he didn't know, didn't care.
"What about Thomas?" he replied angrily. "What about me?!" his hands fell, slapping each respective thigh.
"Newt..." Teresa said softly, her words almost whipped away by the wind. "Is this what you want? Really?" She asked, eyes soft, but she didn't dare take another step toward him.
Newt's eyes fell to the world below him again, the wind threatening to toss him over, and his one leg didn't help his balance whatsoever. It would be so easy, to end it here, to stop fighting.
"I'm tired of fighting Teresa." He mumbled, unsure if she even heard him.
"I know it's hard, Newt. Watching someone go through what Thomas is, but what will he think if he has to do this alone? Are you going to abandon him like your friends abandoned you?" Newt snorted and threw his head to the side. His skin was crawling and he mentally relived every chemo treatment, every night he spent hunched over the toilet in his small bathroom. His abdominal muscles ached merely at the thought.
"You don't know what you're talking about." He snapped. Because she didn't, she didn't know what had happened to him these passed couple of days, didn't know what the ache in his leg had meant.
"Newt, you beat this! He can to." He closed his eyes again, trying to focus on the sounds of the city, the wind on his face and in his hair. He wanted it all to end, screw Thomas and his mom, his mom. He internally rolled his eyes at the thought of that woman, because her medical training seemed to overtake her compassion and even worse her instinct to be a mother.
"Newt, just get down from there and we can talk about this. I know what it's like- I know-"
"No you don't know, Teresa!" He snapped, his bad leg slipping on the concrete barrier as he spun toward her. "You haven't been sick since you were a child- you don't know what it's like to live like this!" His eyes were alight with fire, blazing as he looked at Teresa. By the look on her face he knew that his blow had landed hard and a small tinge of satisfaction bubbled in his gut.
"Newt.." she said sadly, her brow furrowing in confusion as she looked at her friend.
"I'm tired of hurting all the time, Teresa." He said softly, a tear falling from his eye only to be whisked away by the wind when it fell from his chin.
"Newt, come down from there." She repeated, slowly taking steps forward until he was within arms reach. Newt closed his eyes and imagined himself falling, down down down onto the earth. There was no way he would survive the fall, the hospital was too high up and if he fell there was no turning back. He took a deep breath, lifted one foot toward the edge but he stopped. Arms grasped him by his legs and he was falling, but backward onto the pavement. The impact was so hard his teeth clanked together painfully and he hissed and grabbed the back of his head.
"You stupid son of a bitch." Teresa panted, throwing her black curtain of hair from her face. "What we're you thinking?"
But Newt knew what he was thinking. He was tired of hurting, and if he was going to die anyway then why not do it in a less painful way? He threw Teresa away from him when she tried to hurry to his side and scrambled to his feet. His body ached with every move and he was angry, so angry as he headed to the door, flinging it open and making sure to slam it shut behind him.
Every step he took was filled with pain, and he didn't know if that was the reason he was crying anymore because when he made it down one flight of stairs he threw himself to the floor. Quickly, he unfastened his prosthetic and tossed it aside letting his fingers rub absently on the old wound. It throbbed irritably under his fingers and he threw his head back against the wall in agony.
He felt stupid and numb and selfish all at the same time but he still didn't have that change of heart that he thought he might get if he couldn't go through with his plan. He hated everything now, he had been on the top of the world within a week, and now he felt so alone. So bitter to the world. He could hear his heartbeat echo on the empty staircase, and in a way it soothed him, and yet again it annoyed him.
"Newt..." he didn't even hear her approach this time. He only saw her slide down the wall next to him, the warmth from her body touched his thigh and began to fill him with something he didn't know he needed. "What's going on?" She asked, though her eyes were on his thigh and the prosthetic across the floor.
"T..." he inhaled sharply, his breath catching in his throat as he did so. His heart plummeted to the pit of his stomach and he couldn't seem to say the words. Because he was doomed, he could feel it deep down that something just wasn't right this time.
"I had this.. ache in my leg." He said quietly, and he knew he didn't need to continue.
"No.." she breathed, her voice a whisper among the pounding of his own heart in his head. Newt could only manage a nod, he bowed his head forward and let his hair fall in his face.
"You can't say anything, Teresa. Not to Thomas, nobody." He murmured, his voice cracked on the last word.
"Newt, you have to tell him. He's going to find out." She tried softly, her hand rubbing soft circles on his back as he wiped a tear from his face.
"No. If you tell him, I'll never forgive you." He shot, trying as best he could to sound threatening through the sorrow in his voice. She didn't reply, only a offered a small nod in acknowledgment.
"I'm sorry, Newt." She murmured, and he allowed her to hold him then. Because he was a pile of selfish shit. Because he didn't want to go through this pain again, didn't want to feel everything he felt before anymore.
He was absolutely pitiful.
A/N: heyyy yall Sooo I think in order to get more updates in they'll have to be shorter like this!
