Love On Fire

Change

"I suffer from PTSD and anxiety disorder." I whisper back, staring at his expressions fall.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks as he leans forward but doesn't touch me out of fear.

"Because I usually have it under control." I counter as I rake my hands through my hair, pulling it out of my face.

"What triggered it?" He asks, already knowing the answer.

"You did." I whisper apologetically. I sit closer to him and place my hand gently over his.

"But it wasn't your fault. I want to be with you, don't think I didn't want to." I tell him, rubbing my thumb gently against hand.

"I know, I know." He whispers almost to himself as he smiles meekly at me. "Do you take medication for it?" He asks as he swivels his head around the room, I'm guessing to sense if I have medication.

"Yeah, but I only take it when it gets bad." I whisper as I clear my voice, not mentioning the other ailments I have.

"Has it been bad in a while?" He asks but I shake my head.

"First time in months. I-I haven't been with anyone since Maxim. I haven't...done anything with anyone since Maxim." I tell him hinting towards sexual interaction. "I couldn't." I sigh as I roll my lips in my mouth, biting down on them.

"Why?" Matt asks lowly. I look away from him as I let out a shaky breath. My fingers simultaneously reach for my arm, tracing over my scars.

"I was with him for eight years. Eight long years. And I had to do things that I didn't want to." I whisper, my voice rising at the end.

"I was raped almost everyday for eight years of my life." I whimper, finally saying the words aloud to another person for the first time. Matt releases a breath as he closes his eyes. He covers his mouth with his hand as he rests his elbows on his knees.

"I haven't been with someone romantically or sexually before or after him. And it's different with you, you know. I'm not forced or pressured into anything." I explain to him.

"I practically forced myself on you, Daeva. I am so sorry." He apologizes as he rakes his hands through his hair, pulling it back. I shake my head and sit closer to him.

"You didn't, trust me I would know." I tell him as I place my hand on his back as I smile meekly. "I guess my body was just in shock and fear because of what it used to be used for only two years ago. But trust me, I want to be with you." I tell him as I rub his back.

When he doesn't respond I twist my body so my head leans on his lap, and I face up towards him. I place a gentle hand on his cheek as I look up at him.

"I do want to be with you, Matthew." I clarify slowly. His eyes move side by side down at me as he ponders to himself.

"And I too, but not only for sex. You know that right?" He asks his voice in slight fear. I smile up at him and nod, bringing his head down to mine as I kiss his lips.

When we break apart he smiles slightly, but I know after today nothing will be the same.
There will be a constant worry or second thought to everything.

"Matt..." I ask as his finger trails over my face.

"Hm?" He hums back as his thumb runs over my lips as I talk.

"Today doesn't change anything. I'm still me, so don't be all weird and second guessing things, okay?" I tell him as his hand rests on my cheek. He looks down at me but doesn't speak for a moment.

"I won't." He murmurs before giving me a slight smile.

"Good." I whisper as I close my eyes and he continues to trail over my face.

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

Short but to the point of what I wanted to write. Thank you for 14k!

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Word count: 693