Chapter Six: Lehi

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The dinner tables are pressed together to fit thirteen adults, and the children are on their own separate table beside us. The atmosphere is blissful. I sit back and laugh as my brothers retell family stories of past Christmas's and sibling disasters. I am lulled into a false sense of security for a while, it is wonderful to ignore the elephant in the room, and pretend she won't be there forever.

Mine and Allies eyes meet repeatedly as we sit almost opposite each other, and the warmth I find there in her eyes, as she observes me within the family, it leaves me feeling calmed and almost like I had never even left. It is so warm, that feeling that Alberta gives me that I almost contemplate what life would have been like if I had kept my secret about my sexuality and lived at home forever, with my parents, claiming I had never met the right boy. I don't think my parents would have even have minded keeping me home for a prolonged period as long as I wasn't gay. I'm pretty sure they would have just allowed me to be picky and stay home forever. Of course pretending I wasn't gay wouldn't have fixed the way I felt about Allie, nothing would ever change that, something I had learned a long time ago. I think though perhaps I could have lived contentedly, with her being up the road from me forever, visited her every day and held her hand whenever we were alone. I think that would have been better than a life apart.

Who was I kidding... that sounded terrible.
It would still have been a lie. No, I had to move on and forward. I couldn't live this pretend life, it wouldn't make me happy.

I had to remind myself that Allie was Bens now, and they had a child. They were an eternal family, and the only way I could handle that was to not see it every day. My Aunty Mary kept telling me that I needed to date. She kept reminding me that perhaps there was a girl out there that would be perfect for me, someone I could love and who would equally love me. Apparently I deserved a love that was requited, and I knew she was right. This love for Allie, the way she made me feel, the intensity of my love for her ... it was one sided to a degree. Mary had no idea how close Allie and I had been all of our life though, the things we shared, the moments as teenagers that seriously verged on more... and yet still as part of that friendship...I had no idea where Allie really stood. I had no idea how she felt. All I knew was that she loved me fiercely, and most of the time it felt like she looked at me like I was offering her the entire world, and she didn't know what to do first.

I hadn't realised I had been lost in my thoughts. The fork in my hand had decimated the sausage it was stabbing. A hand covered my own, breaking the thoughts, and I looked up, shaken out of it and into the icy blue eyes opposite "are you okay" she asked among the chaos like we were the only ones in the room.

"Yes" I lie, brushing my dark hair behind my ears and sitting up straight. "Yeah I'm fine" I repeat as she looks on concerned.

The doorbell rings and my father disappears from the table, when he returns he has an old friend with him of mine. "Lehi" I acknowledge, standing from the table and going to hug him as he stood beside my dad with a large smile.

Lehi had been my boyfriend when I was sixteen for a year, he was adorable and sweet and much more a wonderful friend as it turned out then a boyfriend. Lehi had been my last ditch effort at trying to be straight. My parents loved Lehi. I think they all thought our courting period would end in a proposal.

I wrapped my arms around him and then took a good look at the man he had become.

"I can't believe you are home Wills" he says affectionately. "I feel like I haven't seen you in forever"

"Come and sit down" Charlotte suggests, pulling the chair out beside mine. It was the most enthusiastic she had been all evening.

"Yes Lehi, come, come join the family... you know we always thought of you as one of the fam" my mom says, piling up a plate of food for him.

Allie watches Lehi with a look of irritation that she's trying to hide. She hadn't been much of a fan back in the day, she thought he may be a little too soft for me, and she said I would get bored. She wasn't wrong. Lehi was most definitely not my type.

"Tell me what you've been up to" I ask, eager to hear it all as we sat down next to each other.

"Yes do tell us Lehi" My dad asks cheerily forking a piece of pie into his mouth, his large red puffed cheeks making him look like a cheery little hamster. My dad is a large built man at six foot, with chubby cheeks that were with him throughout his life, whether he was slim or broad, some of my brothers had them too, they were a family trait and quite adorable.  I had forsaken the cheeks and inherited my mother's much more delicate cheek bones, thankfully, as did Charlotte and Ben.

Lehi's hazel eyes light up as he observes me again "So much Willa. I did my two year mission to Spain. It was amazing. I've just finished a degree in accounting at BYU"

"Amazing" I reply, finally drawing my eyes from him to take a drink. As I lift my glass my eyes fall to Allie opposite who I find looking back with raised eyebrows at me. I turn back to Lehi.

"And are you married" I ask him knowing that's usually where a young LDS man would be on his life trajectory by now.

He looks shy as he answers which was unlike him "no not yet" he offers with a nervous smile and I pat his hand. "Well I know that won't be for long" I reply because Lehi was the sweetest guy and he must have many female admirers across the church pews.

***
Lehi and Willa

When would her family learn to leave well alone. I don't think Willa has even noticed her family all winking at each other and looking to them as if they are about to rekindle their relationship. This dinner with Lehi is a set up, and Willa isn't seeing it, not that it matters because unlike her family I know Willa and not only is she gay, as she has had to confess to them time and time again, but she also never did like Lehi in that way, even when they dated. I should know. I had to chaperone them many times so they weren't ever alone, not my choice, but I was happy to oblige. I couldn't believe sat here among them all how blatant they were being, how inappropriate it was to try and manipulate Willa into something they thought was better. I noticed Ben make a gesture towards them with his brother Byron and my anger boiled. "Stop it" I ask leaning into his ear.

He turned to look at me with surprise "what is it honey" he asked like he had no idea.

"Stop encouraging this" I whisper back.

"It's nothing. We just all love Lehi" he adds innocently.

"But Willa doesn't... Willa is gay" I add, slightly louder than I was meant to which makes Byron turn around with puffed up cheeks almost like I had slapped him in the face by saying those words. He leans back in his chair and looks to me. Ben turns and speaks with him. I don't know what he says, but he most probably apologises for me, which infuriates me more.

I turn back to Willa and watch her speaking animatedly with Lehi. I can't help the way my eyes linger on her features. I don't want her to leave. I want to look upon her sweet upturned nose, her curled lips and hear her velvety smooth voice and infectious laugh. I want to hear it and see her every day.

I knew I missed Willa horribly these five years, but that was going to be nothing, after this weekend, because having her back briefly like this was torturous. It was almost cruel to feel so happy and content and to then know in a few short days we would separate once more, for all I knew, it would be another five. I couldn't comprehend it. I didn't want to. I had to find a way to make Willa stay in some way, or at least for her to let me back into her life, wherever it was she called home. I couldn't go without contact again. I wouldn't let her go until I had her address or her phone number.

I'm not prepared to lose Willa twice.

Silence is curious,
Only when you are far
Do you feel it too
The echo of me
The empty without
The beat
The beat
The drumming
life returning
On sight of you
Of me?
Does a soul have a sound,
because I've heard you

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