Alberta

Chapter Twenty Five: To breathe for a while

Allie,

Winter is here! Whenever I see the snow I think of you. I wonder who is looking into those eyes today, those icy scapes so blue.

We had to shovel out the driveway this morning. Erica helped. This is their fourth trip to visit me this year and I must admit it doesn't feel like home when they leave. They are considering a more permanent move this way as they have fallen in love with the east coast, but I keep reminding them that they are much warmer on the west coast where they live now, and they are more than welcome to split the time and use my house as a base. It is plenty big enough for us all. I have zero style to cramp, let me tell you.

I spoke with mom via email this week, she has begun to message me more regularly now we are in contact in this way. It's not awful, I just have to keep her a little at arms length and not say yes to any family vacations or get togethers. She said dad is writing me something he wants to send. I will let you know when I receive it and what it says, and hopefully it's not scriptures. She said when he found out we were messaging he lit up to hear it, so perhaps all is not lost. I don't know what I want for our future relationships, but I just know I don't want them to hurt... not anyone.

Allie, I miss you!

This weekend we had winter formal at the school and I must tell you my mind wondered to ours. That beautiful pale blue dress you wore, my goodness you were breathtaking. I sometimes feel like this absence is getting a little hard to bear. I find myself missing you more and more and looking outside of my door at real life less and less. I don't know how I can live another five years this way. Allie if these letters get further apart it isn't because I don't think of you, it's because writing it down, it becomes too painful and I need to live again... and stop pausing my life in wait of you because as you have said yourself... you cannot jump on a plane and be here, and our hands are tied.

Allie I'm here, you know where I am, and I will be here for you, don't ever doubt that, but I'm going to go out there and live for a while and try and forget that I am missing you. If it is even possible. And know that this isn't about anyone else, there is no other woman for me, so stop wishing I would meet someone so you don't worry so much I am alone. I hope you live the fullest you can too, so that my absence is felt a little less and your happiness more and more. Know though that the dot in the distance it is imprinted on my brain and I yearn for it so, for years to pass like weeks and for you to be here... I just have to breathe for a while.

Write me whenever you need to. I will check in when I feel I can and I would hate to see it empty of you... and I will do the same in return.

Always reaching for you.

I love you endlessly Allie xx

Perhaps too much.

Always,

Willa xx