Alberta

Chapter Thirty One: Willa

Willa,

I've written this letter so many times. So much of what I say ends up in the trash, and I start again, but one word wrong and I fling it aside without caution once again.

We never did get to talk did we?! And I'm not surprised, of course we wouldn't after what happened at the house. Willa, I need you to know how sorry I am for what I said to you, it was cruel and I didn't mean a word, not one, and the way I threw myself at you, it's unforgivable. It's no excuse but I confess as you are aware that my mamas death, it changed me for a while there. I got swallowed by it, and honestly the last few months are a complete blur. If I had been driving, I would step out of my car at this destination here and wonder how on earth I got here.

I need you to know I love you, that I care and that I've never hated you a day in my life. How can you hate a piece of your own heart?! If I have damaged yours, beyond repair, then I will be eternally sorry. Just please, say you don't hate me for what I did to you? Not that I would blame you for hating me, for making it so crass, so meaningless, and such a throw away physical encounter.

You are breathtakingly beautiful, and anything but how I probably made you feel. The truth is I have dreamt of making love to you for so long, a slow and euphoric encounter that left no doubt of my love for you. It most definitely wasn't that, but it's how I wish you knew my body, and how I wish our flesh had touched. A meaningful and desirable act of love that left a tear in your eyes, for you knew with each touch how you moved me, gripped me, and how I love you so very deeply. A love that can never die, like star dust, it just goes on, eternally yours.

Willa if you don't wish to hear from me anymore I will understand, just send me a letter saying so and I will desist with my letters. It will of course be painful, and that won't ever leave me, you won't ever leave me, but my desire for you to be happy has always been greater than my selfish wish to have you as mine forever, and in my life.

Perhaps whilst I am here you may permit me to take your hand one more time? A gentle squeeze and a wish for you to take that love with you, wherever you go, and know that you are loved.

Willa, tell Mary I found a small briefcase under my mamas bed. I've got it with me now, three hundred and fifty letters inside, each read many times, dog eared, devoured, wrinkled but loved. I had no idea, and I must confess I wish I had. My mama knew so much of love, so much of life that I wish she would have told me about. I wish she had told me of Mary and the year they spent in love, perhaps a love that transcended beyond friendship, kinship and anything they had with others.

We had so much in common, and now I think of conversations lost and wish I could ask her so many things. Her advice would have been immeasurable. I will send them to Mary if she would like them.

The last thing my mama told me was not to let you go Willa, and I fear I have done just that. I hope this letter finds you well and most importantly, happy.

Thank you for all you did for my family when you were here. They all talk about you with such large smiles and full hearts and I am so content to hear of the joy and comfort you brought them in a time of sadness. Harper told me about your drives in the car, to school, and the basketball practice you helped with. She has taken it up this new school term, my darling daughter is now in the 8th grade basketball team, and she of course says it was all Aunty Willa's influence. Bens lip whimpers at that. When I watch her on court I can't help but think of you, all those games I watched, all the practices I attended, for no reason at all, other than to watch you play and enjoy setting my eyes on you for a solid hour when nobody would question it... not even me at the time.

I have included a poem I wrote the night after I last saw you, and it's true, you are forever on my mind Willa.

Holding out my hand, hopeful for your reach, aching to say sorry.

Eternally yours,

Allie xx