Alberta

Chapter Seven: Kiss me

"Willa don't be silly" Allie says after listening to me for the hundredth time that summer as I worry if Lehi will like me if I don't actually kiss him. "He should most definitely like you whether you kiss him or not"

"But we are courting Allie shouldn't I at least kiss him. I feel like it's time, it's been three months and it's only ever got to hand holding"

Allie looks sideways at me from where we are laid on the end of her bed, reading magazines and listening to music. Michelle branch plays on the CD player, a song that reminds me of Allie so much that I feel overcome every time it plays. Its like the song is reading my mind, because she literally is everywhere to me, everywhere, constantly, awake or asleep.

She slides her hand into mine between us on the bed and squeezes my fingers. "Willa, hand holding is just fine. He shouldn't pressure you to do more intimate things" she replies "and honestly it can be just as romantic as kissing, if not more so" and she smiles.

 I wonder if holding my hand, to her, is romantic, or just a sign we never grew out of the habit of it.

I remove my fingers and run them through my long hair at my temple, holding my hand there, still slightly concerned I should be kissing Lehi at this point like my other friends at school seem to be with their boyfriends. I let out a deep sigh.

Allie rolls onto her stomach and poises her gaze upon me "do you just want to know what a kiss is like, or is it that you just want to know what kissing Lehi is like"

I look at her through narrowed eyes trying to understand what she's asking "both" I answer honestly. I hadn't kissed a boy yet, and to be blunt, I was concerned that Lehi wasn't drawing anything from me. I didn't feel a thing when we were together, beyond friendship, and I was terrified that the reason why was because perhaps I liked Allie. I had to explore it further with Lehi and intimacy was most definitely a way I knew I would have an answer, once and for all. 

Would a kiss draw out the feelings that were currently missing?

"Wait here" Allie says jumping from the bed. She peeks out into the hall and locks the door behind her. "They are all downstairs" she observes of her siblings. Allie was the oldest in her family, where I was the youngest, she had a completely different role in her family dynamic. Allie was the care taker, the responsible one, and the one with the most rules. Her mother and father expected her to act perfectly to set an example for her two brothers and two sisters.

She clambers back onto the bed and pulls me up by the arms. "If you want to know what a kiss is like Willa ... I would rather you let me show you then ruin your good name with Lehi... who will not be your husband by the way... far too soft" she adds with an eye roll and a smile.

I think I must look at her completely startled with the way she is holding my arms and sitting so closely, with such a suggestion on her lips. "I" ... I stutter "I don't know Allie... have you ever kissed a boy before... do you even know how"

She smiles reassuringly at me "No obviously not or you would know about it silly" she replies "but I must confess I would quite like to know before I meet my husband and have to kiss him for the first time... if it's my first time it might be terrible" she muses, looking more concerned than I was at this point with that confession "Your nervous paranoia about kissing has rubbed off on me" she says panicked. "Willa" she scolds letting my arms go. "I've just talked myself into kissing hysteria... oh Willa what if I'm awful" she frets.

 I fall back laughing, covering my eyes and feeling an ache in my abdomen from the intensity of it.

"Willa it's not funny" she frets. "I honestly never thought about it before now but you've rubbed off on me"