Alberta

Chapter Twelve: Grief

Light peeked through the curtains. I adjusted my eyes to the room, taking a moment to register that I was laying in Willa's arms. My eyelashes flicker slightly as I breathe her in, my face pressed to her chest, and her arms wrapped around my back. I couldn't be closer to her. I watch my fingers moving slowly up her t shirt, stopping on the fabric above her heart, and feeling the rhythmic thump. I sigh with content. My person wrapped around me, her heart beating against my palm, it was hypnotic... lulling me back to a sleep that was overdue. I had spent half of the night in the bathroom, bleeding like it would not stop until it took me with it. Willa had stayed by my side, my face buried in her chest as I wept and sobbed uncontrollably. She held me up in the shower when it seemed it was slowing and she carefully and tentatively washed away the blood, and bathed my body. When she had put me into bed and tucked me in I had never felt so loved in all of my life. The care she took that night, the comfort she offered me, it was the moment I realised, the true extent of what Willa was to me, and once I felt that, once it was realised without doubt...I couldn't help but face what I had been doing all of my life. I was living in such denial, such stupid, silly, head in the sand, avoidance, and in its cross wires was my life, half lived, half loved and left with so much wanting.

The day Ben proposed to me. I knew it then...I did whether I admit it to myself or not. He asked me for my hand in front of our entire families. Willa had stepped out of the room for something and Ben hadn't noticed her absence and so he began his proposal getting down on one knee, and the moment his knee hit the floor...the panic would hit me. I searched the room for Willa as he said those words "will you marry me Alberta" but she wasn't there. Willa's face wasn't in the crowd. I remembered her leaving the room and I felt relieved, relieved I wouldn't have to look at her and know it was the moment we would leave a part of ourselves behind. I knew how Willa would feel because I felt it too, the loss of her before Ben had even finished his sentence. I remember the flicker of fear as I looked back to Ben and then to my family, my siblings, my mom and my dad and they all looked to me with such love and excitement. My mom especially loved Ben, and I wanted to please them, I had to, this was my future, to marry a man of the church and have a family, just as my mom did. I couldn't just be Willa's friend forever, it wasn't what was expected of us both. She would also soon marry if her mother had anything to do with it, and then at-least we would be in the same boat. We could still live near each other and I could see her every day. It would make this whole existence bearable if I was her sister in law. Ben would cement us if anything into each other's eternal family, and yes that was what did it in the end. As I looked back to Ben and his hopeful expression, and as I gazed into his eyes, Willa's eyes...I smiled at the thought of eternity with her, and I said "yes" ... "yes of course I will" and he kissed me quickly and pulled me into his arms just as Willa returned to the room. I will never forget her face, nor her visible distress as she heard the cheers and looked to my finger where the ring was placed. Her eyebrows knitted together with confusion and anguish as she disappeared from where she had come. I had never wished for Willa to read my mind more than in that moment, because if she could, she would see...I was saying yes to her in the only way I could. It was the only way I knew that I could have her for eternity.

Do you see
it's you Willa
It's true,
for I want eternity
a pure and sweet
Forever
With you
It may seem by ring I'm bound
but a ring of precious metal
is not a promise to the ground
Eternity, is what I crave
And I will have it, with you,
From the grave
We will not rest,
There will be no slumber
for beyond this life
It's me and you
Life will return
spring to life
An ecstasy
A chorus of angels sing
And Rejoice, praise be,
The rebirth of Willa and Allie

***
When I wake up again, Willa is no longer beside me. I turn and search the room but it is quiet and the sun outside is bright. It leaves the room in a mystical warm aura from the thin curtains that allow it in.

I sit up and clutch my belly for the deep pain is still there. I take a step outside of the room and hear voices carry from the front porch. I reach down and pick up Willa's oversized sweater and pull it over my head before reaching for the front door and opening it.

"It must be awful for her, to have this happen here with everyone" I hear. I realise they are talking about my miscarriage, and I open the door further.

Willa and Morgan are there, sat on the two chairs beside each other, steaming coffee in their hands, one hand placed in each other's lovingly. Willa pulls hers away as she spots me and leaves Morgan looking to her confused, before she observes me in the doorway.

Willa stands and comes to me "how are you feeling" she asks me "can I get you a warm drink"

I can't hear her...I don't want to hear her. I want to cry. I didn't want anyone to know about my miscarriage and yet Willa had violated my privacy and gone against my wishes.

"You told her about the baby" I ask her, as my eyes fill with tears at the betrayal.

Morgan stands and comes to Willa's side "no Allie she didn't" she begs looking regretful.

"I know she did, or how else would you know... I heard you" I say angrily, and before Willa can say anymore I push past them and make my way back to my own cabin beside theirs.

"Allie stop" Willa calls, but I ignore her and run into the cabin, shutting and locking the door behind me. That day was seared into my brain, the way it all played out so terribly, and so unfairly. I was wrong of course, Willa never did share my miscarriage, not with anyone, just as she had promised. I would find out later that morning that it was Ben, he had told the entire family the night before just so they would understand why I had vacated his bed and was now in Willa's.

"She needs her best friend" he had told them "we lost another baby" he would add, and there it was, the final curtains on my intimate relationship with Ben. I left the family vacation the next day and made my way home leaving Ben and Harper to enjoy the rest of the week. By telling everyone my most intimate news, he had violated me, it felt like they all did as they made suggestions for future attempts at a family, gave their advice and offered sentiments of sorrow for us. I didn't want it, not any of it, and the more time I spent among it, the more suffocated I became. The reality was... I was done. No more. I wanted out. I didn't want this anymore. My soul ached.

Willa and Morgan... Willa...and Morgan... the storm to weather, and the wound that I couldn't heal. The years that followed would be raw. I wouldn't be of myself. The only way I can describe the next few years... "I survived them".

If I had
gripped you further
harder
would you dare
grip me back
Would it be okay
if I still long for you
would it make you sad
to know it was all for nothing
that I sit here lonesome
because you're home
and I am lost
Far from
You
When you kiss her
do you ever go a wonder
through those familiar halls of me
Do you turn those corners
And expect sight of me
Do you visit
Home
Because if you look
A little closer
A little longer
you will see me
In every frame
Every room
You're everywhere to me
She hears it play
and knows it's meaning
Because so are you
Everywhere
The pain
The pain
The pain
I should have gripped you further.