Alberta

Chapter Twenty: Oregon

"I think you should call" Aunt Mary says taking the seat beside me at the breakfast table.

I spoon some cereal into my mouth with one hand and read my team schedule for the week in the other. My girls are playing the town over on Wednesday and the entire school is pumped, the kind of showdown they love, high school rivalry at its peak.

"No" I reply looking over the paper in my hand and meeting her pleading grey eyes "Willa your mom has called me incessantly she's worried about you" she adds.

"And I told you to tell them all that I am fine" I reply looking back to the paper in hand. I mentally note a few switches I need to make on the team, nobody will want to be on bench. I would try and make sure they all got a touch of the ball to avoid disappointment.

"She wants you to come for Christmas" she says quietly.

I look above aunt Mary to the calendar on the wall. It is October , three months since the trip to Maui and my withdrawal from the family.

"It's months away" I observe.

Aunty Mary places her hand on mine "I don't think it's really about Christmas Willa...I think she just wants confirmation you will return to them"

I put down the paper and take a sip of coffee "Mary I'm not going back for Christmas... I'm not sure if I will ever go back at all"

"Willa" Aunty Mary scolds "that is perhaps too definitive.. do not act on anger it's not a lasting emotion... they love you they just don't know-"

"What to do with me" i interject.

"Something like that, but atleast they long to try... my parents...your grandparents... they didn't even call... they just acted as if I had died"

I place my hand on hers on the table "I know and I'm sorry that happened... but Mary... is it not worse to be in this in-between where they want me but they do not all at once. I am emotionally empty, they have sucked so much from my soul. I honestly am not sure they will ever contribute positively to my mental health or quality of life. I do not want to return once a year and find myself cowering to them as if anything I may do could trigger an emotional assault or a mental beating. Is it so much to ask to just be loved"

She stands and moves behind me, bending down and wrapping her arms around my neck. She kisses my cheek "well I love you" she whispers as her wife Erica walks in.

"what's happened" she asks and we both look up to her with a smile "nothing" we both say, and Mary goes to her and kisses her.

"Good morning love" she greets.

I observe them with such content. Erica and Mary have been together for twenty two years and you can see it, they both move so fluidly around each other and with such ease as if they are one person split in two. Mary is fifty years old and Erica is sixty three, you would describe them as sweethearts, they both had greyed a little in the hair now. Erica was taller and slightly heavier built and Mary was short and petite like my mom, so much like my mom, and incredibly youthful. They gave me hope that one day I may have that same twin flame... although I knew I wouldn't have to look far for I had already met her... at five years old in a church that would one day despise us. Allie, I think of her and a pain flickers inside, it's embers never fully extinguished because everything, and I mean, everything, brings her back to me.

"I forgot to say as you got in so late last night Willa... but Allie called" Erica reveals, and my heart thumps a little louder against my ribs.

"She did" I ask, and a sadness befalls me because I don't want the silence my absence is causing. I don't want to abandon her again. She calls every morning and night without fail and I know she knows I won't answer, but she does it I know, so I see the missed calls, and know she's thinking of me. I had huge changes coming up in my life and I wanted to tell her. I wanted to share it all with her. I would finally return her call tonight, i made myself mentally note, not that I required any reminding. I couldn't beat the silence a moment longer.